Right this could do with some work...
First off, the rhyme was forced.
Secondly, appropriate punctuation would ease the flow when reading.
Thirdly, your wording was ok, simple, but wasn't clear in parts. I had trouble trying to work out what you meant.
Poetry needs fluent langauge to work.
I don't want to rewrite your poem for you, because it's your work. But I don't really know what else to say. Sorry.

Very deep. an awesome poem.

your servant:
david

Hey you wrot a good one again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

comment on some of mine.

Great job! I think it should be under Dark or Sad poems though, it would fit better in one of them cat. but it was really a deep poem with lots of meaning in it. It was a diffrent type of poem then I usually read, so I liked it a lot more. keep it up 5/5

~Kristina

This was good, although the flow was broken in some parts.

much love and many kisses,
bex

It was really goergeous, so beautiful
5/5
luv gabriella

It would be really great if you make it as stanzas,cos it's kinda hard to read,but other than that you really expressed yourself so good
Keep on doing that thing
Laura

It's so sad and yet you wrote it beautifully. And yea the flow was alittle off at imes but, nonetheless it was great poem. 5/5

marcella

Loved it! but it was soo sad! and very heartfelt...
it sounded more like a lyrics than a poem... but i loved it!

keep up the good job

*Who felt all alone in a cold world of stone* beautiful line. Resonating and wonderfully penned.

Awesome poem :)
5/5
~Stephen White