Loving you and Loving me

Yet again the question floats through my mind, is life really worth it? Is it worth all the pain and heart ache for those few temporary highs? And is it selfish of me to not pretend that I'm feeling alright? Or can you see right through me anyway? Maybe the shield I tend to hide behind really doesn't shield me from anything. Is it cowardly of me to hide from whatever it is that I'm so afraid of? Indeed, yes. I think it is.

Am I not happy with myself? Maybe thats it. Maybe I don't want you seeing how I feel about myself. I wish I was happy with who I am. But sadly, deep down, I know I'm not. I have hope though, tucked into the back of my mind, hope that some time in the future I will be able to look back at you, look deep into your soul knowing you are doing the same to me, and feel content.

I have such strong admiration for you. You have no faults, you can do no wrong. Theres not one part of me that doesn't love you with all my heart and soul. But how can I love you when I don't even love myself?

Getting to know you has helped me get to know myself, and I cant thank you enough for that. I am learning about myself, about who I am and hopefully I will learn to love that person as much as I love you.

There is no doubt in my mind that if you left me a very big part of me would die. It would take more than just my life time to get that part of me back. It would be gone, forever.

So I ask myself again, what was it that I am so afraid of? Maybe I am afraid of myself, being myself. And maybe the shield has done more harm than good as it has forced me to look in wards at myself. And maybe then, was the horrible realization that I wasn't happy with what I saw, with how I feel, with who I am. But now that I am aware of what I disliked, I can work on changing it so that I can be proud of the person that I have become. Rather than shutting my eyes on you, I will smile back and stare into your beautiful eyes, loving you and loving me.

[life is tough, but we have to stay strong..even when we feel like quitting..never loose hope]