Great pacing, good message, and i liked the recurring lines.

your servant:
david

"like it does when someone dies" sounds better
"as i struggled to figure it all out"
"You were not there to calm my deepest fears"
"Lost, finding my way in a purple haze"
"Oh, Why did you forsake me"

As always Vanessa, beautiful work, 5/5

The flow was a bit shaky, along with the word choice. the stanza you repeated sorta made up for that though, it brought it all together..

Overall: good job.

This would actaully make a really good song. great write :) keep it up

Wow. This is full of emotion, very, very sad.
Good job. 5/5

Wonderful job! The emotions were clear & strong & the word usage was great. The flow was OK, but could be improved. The message was good & the repeated stanza was a nice touch. Wonderful job! Keep writing! 5.5

Stephanie Lynn .+.

This was so heartbreaking, and yet so beautifully written.
I thought the flow seemed off a little in some places, and I noticed there were quite a few fillers which could be the reason I found the flow to be disrupted.
However, apart from that I think you did a wonderful job with this, the imagery created vivid pictures, and the depth and emotion scream the words.

Beautifully written...the repeatd lines added to the beauty....Good job!
kp writing!
Tc
xxPoojaxx

Wow beautiful......i loved the way this is set and how powerful it is.

5/5
x Lucifer x

The repeating was great, i think this was a wonderfully written poem

5/5

Austin

Such a sad poem. I know what it's like to lose a loved one. It hurts a lot. There was a lot of emotion in this, and it was portrayed beautifully. Well done.

-TonyTRADEMARK

Very well written, Your emotions showed very strong with this poem.
I would have to say that
"The dead expression in unseeing eyes"
Is my favorite line in the whole poem.
Great Job, Keep it up! =)
5/5
-Lisa

I loved the repeating verse in this poem.. it seemed to fit every single time that it was added, and it never onces seemed forced. nice.

You were not there to dry my crimson tears
[[AH!!! KILL THE CLICHE!!!]]
The peaceful way that your soul flys
[["Flies" not "flys".]]
Weak form all the tears that I shed
[["from" not "form".]]

Anyways.
I liked where this was going, then about the last three or four paragraphs it died because it was about "crimson tears" and so on. Blah. Otherwise, I liked where you were going. If you are to edit this, contact me and I'll rate it...unless you want a three. =[ Eck.

xTheEcstasyofSuicidex No Rate