War of the Heart and Mind (part 1)

Looking at you with hard eyes
I'm searching for a reason
Sifting through the truth and lies
To discover my hearts treason

When you left 5 years ago
My heart was torn asunder
And when you dealt that grievous blow
I could but weep and wonder

I found myself gasping for your breath
And I was running out of air
Trying to figure out why you left
For longer than I was aware

Not time ebbs and flows but it never stops
And I got my second wind
So when I recovered from that shock
I would not relapse again

So I cut you off, I drown you out
It was no easy task
I learned to breathe, to live without
I was finally free at last

But you came back into my life
Without a sign or warning
And here begins my internal strife
For my heart and mind are warring

You've changed so much after 5 years
And now you have the gall
To make me cry unbidden tears
Like I haven't changed at all

So I hated you for the strength I lack
And I hated you for leaving
But more than I hate you for coming back
I hate myself for not believing