Don't drink to drown your sorrows, for sorrows are like fish and can swim

You know that feeling where everything goes your way? I don't

I feel like I've been ran over by a metaphorical truck

If you live, you will die. If you die, you may not have lived

People ask me why I am depressed. I ask them why they aren't

If happiness is flying a kite, then I'm the kind of person who ends up stood on a hilltop, in a thunderstorm, with a key tied to the kite, wearing a suit of armour, shouting "All gods are _barstools_"

Life... wish I had one...

When people tell you that it could be worse, they're right. What they don't tell you is that you will soon find out how much worse it could be

People who talk rubbish are generally thinking out loud

I sold my soul for a doughnut once... no wait... that wasn't me... that was a Simpson's episode. My mistake