People who say "no news is bad news" clearly don't watch the same news as me.

A friend rang to say her computer had the black death. Confused, I asked for details. She meant the "Blue Screen Of Death". I now find it hard not to imagine plague rats as being noticeable by their blueness.

The meek shall inherit the earth. The greedy shall inherit the cool stuff. The stupid shall inherit the power. The rest of us won't notice a difference.

Kenneth Lay is dead: ex-employees may feel cheated he never went to jail, but at least they can be safe in the knowledge he's getting screwed just as hard by Satan as Lay screwed them!

When you give a mother hen claws with which she can dig, she is not an eagle. She is more like a mole: shortsighted and blinking in the reality of daylight, forever clucking the same hen cluck, deceiving herself as to her objectives.

If a horse produces one horse-power, how big is the horse? Surely a big horse produces more horse power than a small horse? "Oh my car produces 250 horsepower, but they're tiny horses."

What was it that fish spent so much time staring at, that they evolved into something that doesn't blink? Snakes? Must've been quite a staring competition!

It amazes me what people consider to be "civilized", considering the track record of civilization.

Never pray for anything that's not on your list of three wishes for a genie.

Afghanistan: it's a bit like playing pool with no pockets. You can argue the rules, battle as much as you like, but no one's ever going to win. Best to take your balls off the table and play something else.