The path to God is littered with religion.

Every second we waste laughing at each other is no second wasted at all. Happiness is not knowing the bucket's behind you.

The only difference between banks and loan sharks is the state of your knees.

Energy is getting so expensive that soon it will be cheaper to employ people rather than use robots to build the cars that no one wants powered by fuels that no one can afford. I'll be marketing sails for push bikes.

My son refers to farts as "food ghosts".

Naturism is to society what alcohol is to driving.

A friend rang to say her computer had the black death. Confused, I asked for details. She meant the "Blue Screen Of Death". I now find it hard not to imagine plague rats as being noticeable by their blueness.

The meek shall inherit the earth. The greedy shall inherit the cool stuff. The stupid shall inherit the power. The rest of us won't notice a difference.

Kenneth Lay is dead: ex-employees may feel cheated he never went to jail, but at least they can be safe in the knowledge he's getting screwed just as hard by Satan as Lay screwed them!

When you give a mother hen claws with which she can dig, she is not an eagle. She is more like a mole: shortsighted and blinking in the reality of daylight, forever clucking the same hen cluck, deceiving herself as to her objectives.