He doesn’t have the time to write a letter…no, he doesn’t have the mental capacity!

A good friend will console you when he breaks up with you, but a real friend will be the one who will walk right up to him and say, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

“Where’s the cooler?”

*My friends and I have this…connection…with Bill Engvall…this is another one of his quotes*

“Hiss, hiss! Step on me and I’ll bite you, I swear!”

*I doubt you’ll understand this…it just needed to be said…*

“Don’t get lost!”

*I really love Irish Fest in Wisconsin…don’t you?*

“My, isn’t everyone looking PERKY today!”

*ha-ha Justine!*

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

I wish my grass was emo—then it would cut itself!

The world needs more rubber sidewalks.

This is my boyfriend...he just hasn't asked me out yet.