My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

Why is the speed limit in a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.

I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

Relationship status : Taken (for granted)

Wow, I've been on the No Sugar Diet for one day and have already lost ... my will to live.

If Caitlyn Jenner can win woman of the year I see no reason why Donald Trump's hair can't win the Westminister Kennel Club Dog Show.