Balloons are so weird... "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.

I know I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go fcuk yourself. Whichever.

Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

"Don't let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father's actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

The way this dog acts, you'd think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.

I used to forget time with you. Now, I'll just forget you with time.

Relationship Status: Sleeping next to the warm laundry pile.