Bipolar patients with grandiose delusions are essentially high on themselves.

I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.

I'm just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I'm unlucky enough to be a part of.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

The secret of life is to like who you are.....in spite of yourself.

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. ~ Aristotle

Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

Fcuk me like I ruined your credit.