I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

Are you free tomorrow? No, I'm fcuking expensive.

Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well.

Sometimes being single just means that you're strong enough to wait on what's real and not rush into what's fake.

If you're single, focus on being a better you instead of looking for someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next.

Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand.

I don't make mistakes...I date them.

Another month. Another year. Another smile. Another tear. Another winter and another summer too. But there can never be another you.