I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-Don't remember from who

Sorry I'm not ur perfect little barbie doll.
-Don't remember who it's from

You can't lose what you never had.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
--Steven Wright

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
--Mark Twain

Nine out of ten people love chocolate. The tenth person always lies...

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

77% of anti-abortion leaders are men. 100% of them will never be pregnant.

I've been to hell young man, you've only read about it.
-Geoffrey Rush in Quills