All Cutting/Self Harm Issues - This Thread Only #19

How do you take your mind off of relapsing??

Nei, That was pretty a powerful thing you wrote there no doubt about it.

I don't acess this thread too much for self-harm (never liked calling it cutting) though it is I guess,
Well, Self-Harm became a part of my life way back in 2002, 10 years ago or roughly that, and it's only now that I can actually say hand on my heart, I will never ever ever cut again. It's been a year next month since the last time I cut, the scars on my arms are still highly visible and a constant reminder of all I went through but they are also a reminder that I am still here, and even after a suicide attempt in 2010, I am still living. So that gives hope to me in my eyes, because I can beat this and I have.

Depression is still an issue, I have my down days, down weeks even, but it's because I have achieved so much that I am still here, still willing myself to keep going because there are times to come, in the future, times to smile and times to have fun and live.

I've cut ties with many people who called themselves friends but were just there to talk about me behind my back, so I find it hard to trust people with telling them about the self-harm.
But I also know that if you find the right person you should tell them, talking about it helps, but you should make sure that you understand that you are not a freak, you are not stupid or weak, this is just a way you find to cope with all the things you feel that hurt inside, and you can beat this and will beat it.

I'm proof of that, I am proof that tomorrow will be better, as long as you understand first that you can do this.

For a split second (2 hours) i felt happy, normal (whatever normal is)..mania i know, i still prefer it to all these depressing, self harm and suicidal thoughts!

oh how i wish my mind would think like that of someone who has no problems and hasn't suffered the way i or my friends have, half the time its knowing what theirs have been through that tears me up inside, pain they shouldn't have felt for whatever reasons..not being able to help them..

..yes i still blame myself for my friends suicide, i know i need to let that go because nobody knew anything was wrong, but all it would have taken would have been one person to notice her pain, if i wasn't so consumed in my own petty life maybe, maybe i could have saved her..

ugh that amongst other family **** has my head and heart done in, id really like too know when its going to get easier - a time frame would be really helpful but i guess i ask too much for that.

so many people in this life and so many that can be trusted completely. so many that tear the walls down to only break you all over again for fun - some twisted pleasure they get in seeing you crumble, watching my own sister fall and not being able to do a damn thing about it, about any of it.

i know im rambling and i appolagise immensely, im just really down right now and need to get this out of me one way or another..(no pens are in range).

Damn did it again ok me and my friend were talking and then he told me he thinks hes gay so i was lyk nreally haha i kinda lyked u and then i said i lyk u go out with me i was lyk ok look im gunna tell my bf bout my cutting and if he dumps me then we can go out so i told my boyfriend and all he did was kis me and say its ok so now yea

Relapsed, i dont even care and now i just give up.
this is what happens when i do my job! >:(

@missy
Its good that you told your bf and you can see that he cares about you and not just leaves. Hope he can help you through it. :)

Relapsed myself several times.. Dont know what to do about it and i dont really seem to care about it either.

Blackstar it will be ok
its happened again ok i said that i told my friend whos now gay and my bf well my friend told my other friend who told my best friend that i wanted to kill myself and said that in front of my boyfriend and he lyk spazed at me cos i told him i stoped and feel fine so yea

Guess theres alot of relapsing going on,

i know what its like not to care about it..so im right there with you. The only thing thats making me misserable now is that my arm is itching like craaaazy!
Im not too bothered about hiding the fact ive self harmed again either, i mean im wearing long sleeves and all but thats mostly because i know it will upet other people, but it wont really bother me. I know im going to scar very bad with this last event, that kinda makes me sad. But atm im just in a place of total and utter "couldnt give a damn" - about anything!
Certin thoughts have been entering my mind again so i made an appointment with my doctore but i have to wait 2 weeks!!

Good luck to you all.

Ugh i hate all this drama. i have a friend at school and she likes a friend of mine who doesnt go to the school and he doesnt like her. he likes me. but i like my best friend and i'm also starting to have feelings for another guy and its all so freaking confusing. i'm scared to get into a relationship because the last one ended with me relapsing like no other

Dont be scared to try if u lyk tis guy or one of them then make sure it works try ur very hardest if u work on it it wil be ok

Well theres a good side about that your boyfriend knows again too, I'm sure he wants to help you go through all this. Hope it will be better for you all ! :)

I did it again last night, now I feel so stupid but when I want to do it I just don't even care.. Just drives me crazy.

Wish all the best to everyone here :)

Feeling rather alone tonight.

Ite been over a year since i last cut and the urge is so strong right now...

I have a feeling that there is nothing stopping me from relapsing tonight i just lost my best friend and idk what i'm going to do. i feel lost without him...

ANGEL it will be ok life has to make up for all the bad with good just try and be happy take chances i have this feeling u feel lyk things cant get worse so then at do u have to lose just go for wat ever u ant who nos something wonderful and good might happen

I hope it does but i'm so lost without him we are barely on speaking terms i've never cried so much before. its all i can think about it hurts more and more every time i see him and it takes all my strength no to run up to him wrap my arms around his neck and tell him how much he means to me. how much i love him

Then tell him that u really like him wat went wrong between u guys try and fix it if u love him then show him how u feel

I broke up with my boyfriend, and I have not handled it well. I've cried and cried because when I ended it between us, I felt as if I broke up the other half of my heart. But he just didn't care, and if he wasn't gonna care he wasn't gonna waste my time.

But I haven't cut since the day I ended it... Odd.

Aw its gonna be okay, keep your head up high!

I just dunno how to deal with this anymore, even every lil thing what used to make me feel better doesn't seem to matter anymore. Just cant stop cutting either, feeling so stupid but cant seem to find a other way through.

Seems like im going insane.

Awww hannah u ok now maybe the reason y u havent cut is because some part of u kinda knew he was wasteing ur time

Ok blackstar just think about all the good things in life and dont say u dont have any good things r u stilll at school if so did u pass a test did u do well at school or did u help somebody it could be anybody it could even be on p&q just reading wat they have to say and helping could make u feel good maybe go out and help someone if u see someone struggling with shopping bags help them offer to help them it will make u feel good knowing u helped someone

Idk.... I just... Ugh, I really, REALLLY loved him.... I just don't know if I did the right thing...But deep down... I know I did... i just don't want to believe it. I'm so stubborn and hard headed. I don't listen to anyone or myself. I only see what I want to see.

^ you followed what you felt and i think you just need to give it some time to heal.

Well thanks i know there is some good things but still. Anyway ive always helped a lot of people always when thy asked i tried to help only after some time i noticed they just took advantedge of it that showed me that i didnt had any real frieds at all anyway and i just miss that i can hang out with anyone.. Puttin my mind on other stuff then this. Just tired of trying to be better then this if i dont have anyone else wih me on it anyway.
Think i just sound crazy xd

So funny.. Only one person I care about the most knows how I feel.. ONLY him. and then suddenly fucking everyone knows it..
how funny if you trust someone to tell it everyone knows what you said. The only one I trust the most and the one who keeps me trying to feel better. I'm just done with this shit..

Okay so ive been on here for years, and am just now getting back into it again after being pretty much absent for a few years. i have dealt with serious depression since i was in high school which was over five years ago. I am still struggling with it and self harm to this day. I have not cut myself since july of 2011 so far so good, but i just got out of a VERY serious relationship that not only i got hurt in but it brought my life to shambles and left me in serious debt. I dont have many friends I can talk to about this.. i dont have many friends period... but i know i need to talk to someone about it so here i am. Reaching out and hoping to get some response. If anyone needs someone to talk to im a great listener too!
thanks

I came so close to relapsing last night. i had the blade on my wrist i didnt cut but i was that close....

Good for you. i was very close as well yesterday. i didnt have the knife... but i was so close to finding one and using it. Glad to hear you didnt do it.
My email/aim is blueeyedmomma88@aol.com if anyone needs someone to talk to...

Blame is a hard thing to over come.... its one of those negative emotions that once its got its claws in you its hard to get them out and move on. You should try though. It was your friends choice to commit suicide not yours... i dont know the situation or circumstances, but in my mind everyone is responsible for their own actions.
people are people. theres nothing to be done about what other do, or do to you. You can only focus on you and what you need to do for yourself and help yourself.
I have Bipolar 2, which incase you didnt know, means youre either just depressed or really really horribly depressed. There arent really any happy days. its either youre low, or way deep down low... once in a great while i will get what you talked about, a few hours where im elated, happy, excited... and then it disapears... its hard... so i can relate to you.
If you ever need someone to talk to my aol/aim is blueeyedmomma88@aol.com....

Angel good for u for not cutting my life has had its ups and downs recently not only with the depression but all of a sudden i ran out of money everything started to brake because im going to see reece mastin in april and i didnt have much money in the first place but i managed to get some money and then my laptop broke thats y i havent been on and then so did my camara and then one nite i was texting this guy hes in the same depresed boat as me and we were just talking and he asked if my boyfriend knows which he kinda doesnt earlyer on this yr on here i said he did and it made me feel better but he doesnt no and i dont think he will ever no but yesterday like all my friends got asked out (by different guys dont worry) so i was really happy bout that but kinda wore off cos i found out my friend is bulimic i dont o wat to do bout it

Missy:
With the whole friend being bulimic thing, you should do some research and find out everything you possibly can. And choose what YOU want to do from there. If it were ME, I would do the research, figure out some programs or help for the friend and offer it to the friend and make sure they know that i am only bringing it up because i truly care. If they take the help they take it. If they dont then they dont. You cannot force anyone to get help or get "better" they have to see it and want it for themselves. above all else i would suggest trying to be there as much you can for this person so that when they do decide they want help you can be there for it

Me and my friends tried to talk to her about it but she said if we are going to talk about problems ca we talk about a really problem so we said we are this is a really problem and she said no its not im fine. but we can tell shes not

Oh and theres something else i dont know where to ask this because its nothing about self harm but i need your opinion ok this is it
me and my boyfriend and i have been going out for almost a year my lately because its been raining there has been a lot of water laying around on hand rails so one day i got some on my hands and wiped it on his chest so he turned around and did the same but lightly not making a mark and then it turned into a game and today just before science he soaks his hands and puts a massive hand print on one of my boobs i was like :O so for an hour i had a hand print.... and then at lunch he left hand prints on my ass and boobs so i got him back but now he isnt just putting his hands on ightly its more of grabbing and i dont want to say stop but like i do i dont find it fun but it brings us close which is good because lately we havent been that close so i dunno what should i do oh yea and today this girl in my class got some flowers from this guy so somebody asked my boyfriend if he got some for me and he turned around and went haha nah and flicked water at me i was ;ike yea love you to but he made up for it be turning around and saying i love isnt that enof

If you dont like it entirely you should tell him to stop. if he respects you and actually cares he will stop or do it differently. there are other ways to be close with each other. "nicer" ways, ways you both can have fun with and enjoy. dont jsut do something because ur boyfriend likes it or wants to. i learned this the hard way in high school and i wish that i had seen it earlier.

Youre friends seems to be deflecting... she either doesnt see it as a problem, doesnt WANT to see it as a problem, or doesnt want to deal with her "problem". just try to make sure she knows you care and thats the only reason you brought it up... i would still bring it up from time to time atleast, or when you see something or find something out that bothers you about it

Feel so sick and disgusted, everything has turned to crap again and i cant get the thought of leaving out of my head - i seriously dont know whats holding me back, whats keeping me from walking out the door and just disapearing! ive had enough and im so sick of certain people in my life. I dont know what else i can do to show people i need them and that they matter, how am i suposed to love the one thing i hate !? So many mistakes over the years and the past few days, regrets - i had them, then i learnt to let go - but this i dont think im able to, i just need to stop for a moment..wait for it all to pass by me!

Feeling the need to cut tonight, nothing seems to be working to stop my mind set..its either that or just keep hitting the floor, the wall, the door - anything i can smash up i feel like i have to because im so angry and hurt, i just want to give into all the rage and get lost within it, trying to keep a tiny amount of sanity is killing me!

i dont know what else i can do..!

Love panda r u ok u no we r here for u girl never forget dont cut ur doing so well

Its ok now its stoped raining and theres no water in fact today is was sooo friken hot we where all in jackets dying cos we all thought it would be cold ......i wish

Well at least ive calmed down now, i got all my anger and frustrations out by doing gardening and breaking dead trees! still feeling a little lost but not as much, for the most part i feel completly iceolated and alone but there is always 1 peron connecting with me. funny that, its not who i thought it would be.

ive kept my thoughts hidden from my family so i dont worry them - it would only add to my stress anyway. RL friends only know so much and i can only lean on them so much, x's are great in away because i can have a distant conversation yet still feel like ive accomplished something.

i managed to pull back and keep some control - i didnt cut. tbh i dont have space to cut now. i make a rule of if im going to relapse then i will only do it in a certain place now, mainly because i get more of release feeling but i will not go over scars that havnt healed. so far ive managed to stick to this rule, im happy i didnt cut last night because i know id only feel worse today.

im hoping theese wounds of mine will heal alltogether eventually - emotional wounds that is. i cant keep going over the same stuff, or what feels like the same stuff over and over again.

i am going to take a holiday though, when i get paid next month im booking myself a 1week holiday, havnt decided where im going yet but i know i need to be out of this country to get some kind of peace.

Thanks Missy.

Love Panda, glad to hear you didnt cut. Congrats to you! my email address is blueeyedmomma88@aol.com if you need someone to talk to about anything. ive been coping with self harm for over ten years and can relate... I have two kids with a third on the way. Ive never cut while pregnant and have made the firm decision not to while im pregnant with this child as well. But that doesnt change that I want to some days. I hope that if you ever need someone to talk to when you feel you have no one, know that im here and just an email away.
Keep up the great "work" and stay strong if you can!