Best friend who wants more...

I don't normally like asking for advice but I'm open to some suggestions on this. I'm sorry if this ends up being long but I'd appreciate any help.

So one of my best friends, we'll call him G, and I are having serious issues and I'm struggling to find a way to fix it, make it completely clear to him but still not lose him, he is my best friend and I don't come by those easily. I knew that he had a crush on me back when we were getting to know each other over 4 years ago but I had thought that he had gotten over it. I've been in a relationship since before I met G, it's a difficult, challenging relationship that has more downs than ups I admit, my boyfriend is in a different country, never makes it up to see me and most of my friends dislike that I'm in said relationship but it's my choice and I feel it's right for me to stay in it and honestly i do love him more than anything but I admit that G is one of the very few that I ever mention my relationship issues to, simply because I trust him.

G is in the Army now doing his special training but when he went off to Basic I was the only friend that wrote to him all the time, he had said he was scared, lonely and worried about going so I wrote him often and continued to write to him after he was done with Basic. We've been texting, writing and calling each other often over the last year since he's in training on the other side of the country from where his family and friends are and I'm living about the same since I moved away from home and haven't made any close friends here over the last year. He broke up with his fiancee about 5 months ago suddenly, won't tell me why but just that he did. Soon after his texts and calls started changing but I just assumed that it was because he needed reassurance and to know someone cared.

A few weeks ago though he told me that he wanted me to leave my boyfriend and move to be with him, because he loved me more than anything and wanted to take care of me how he thinks I deserve and that if my boyfriend is going to keep me waiting here and making me unhappy then I should just leave him and come live on base. I told him that I couldn't do that, that I grew up with the Military life and I didn't want that for myself and that if those were his reasons then I'd have the exact same type of life, of waiting and worrying, that I have with my boyfriend when G is deployed. I told him I cared and didn't want to hurt him and would continue to be there for him but that I couldn't be what he needed or wanted and that I love my boyfriend despite our many issues and still hope to make my relationship work.

That was 2 weeks ago, needless to say he didn't take it well and refused to reply to my calls, texts, messages or facebooking attempts to fix our friendship so finally I just said I was done chasing him for his friendship and resigned myself that I had lost him as a friend. After everything he'd said to me about the depth of his feeling...in the last 2 weeks apparently he's fallen in love, gotten married and moved his now wife across the country to live on base with him though, which completely threw me for an unexpected loop. After that...3 days after his now wife started saying she married him and moved to be with him he texted me, being extremely flirty, almost to the point of making out in a text if that makes sense, saying hi to me and calling me his name for me, Pretty Girl.

Needless to say I'm less than thrilled because his entire attitude is not ok, either towards me since I've explained where I stand or towards his now wife who probably doesn't even know I exist but is very religious so I doubt she'd be ok with it. My boyfriend is more than pissed off with him since I told him about it this weekend but knows I value the few friends I still have and says he doesn't trust him but will be fine with it if I can fix things with G and make sure he stops. Thing is I have no idea how to since I've explained it to him multiple times now and apparently it hasn't worked. G's married now, should be an end to it but I'm worried it's just the same thing as before, he said that while he was engaged to his ex-fiancee he still thought about me and cared for me, I don't want it to be the same. I care about G deeply but there will never be more than friendship between us and I love my boyfriend and choose a life with him.

Suggestions as to how I could handle G while still hopefully keeping his friendship or leaving it in a way that we can work on regaining our friendship later down the road would be welcome.

Wow... it sounds as though you are in a situation that seems to have no way to avoid being hurt.

First, G is now married and he should respect those vows and not put you in the situation that he has placed you in.

You should try ONCE more to explain to him how you feel and tell him that every time he mentions or hints to a relationship more than friends that it makes you feel uncomfortable and even hurts you since you can not and do not have the same feelings for him.

Right now you need to take a real hard look in the mirror and ask yourself is this friendship worth the pain and discomfort that G is placing you in. Only you can answer that.

Is maintaining this friendship worth allowing G to disrespect you and your boyfriend? Is this friendship worth you and G both disrespecting and possibly hurting his wife?

Also understand that anger is caused from being hurt (either emotionally or physically) so your boyfriend being mad is a reflection of the pain that he endured.

If the answer to these questions is no then you need to tell G that if he continues this behavior then you will end the friendship.

If you think that the friendship is worth accepting this type of treatment from G then there is little that can be done... other than telling him that he is making you uncomfortable every time he crosses the line and hope that he stops.

In the end this is your decision... I often look at all my relationships (friends, family, intimate, etc..) and ask "Is the sacrifices that I am making worth the maintaining the relationship?" If yes, then I continue on and if no then I pull away.

Hope this helps...

Thank you so very much for your advice Sherry, I greatly appreciate it.

I do greatly care for G, but you're very right that it simply is not okay for this type of treatment, neither his wife nor I deserve it. He still hasn't actually announced that he's married, everyone has been basically having to figure it out. But I did finally reply to his text a few days after he sent it once I had thought it through and made sure that I wasn't simply reacting because I was angry or hurt. I just simply told him that I hear that congratulations are in order, he hasn't contacted me since in any way so I'm assuming that was an answer.

After thinking it through, although I was trying not to be angry over his behavior and treatment, I was, it made me see that whether he's a close friend or not...he's alright with using me. I felt very used, like he doesn't respect me enough to respect my answers and that I'm not worth more than just being a fill in that can be replaced easily, I'm not alright being made to feel that way, I could still be with my last boyfriend if I wanted that. If G can't respect either me or the vows that he took, for whatever reason that he took them, then maybe it's best I just distance myself from him, which I'm working on doing.

I'm assuming that his wife knows nothing about me as a friend or otherwise and she doesn't deserve to be hurt or disrespected by either me or him so I can at least do my part to make sure I'm not involved in her being hurt.

You're very right, there's times when you have to step back and look at each of the relationships in your life and decide if everything you're sacrificing is worth the relationship or not, I'm finding that I'm having to do that with most of my relationships.

Thank you so very much, your advice did help a lot :)