Erm, I'd like some comments on this,

Hey, I'm new here and just wanted to give my work some viewers. I'd like some comments/advice.

Black Light Glow
by Sukiyo

Congruency has it's repercussion on my belated revelations
A night time narrative I have invariably been in love with
Penetrating blue fronting a pool of white
A flourishing infrastructure of momentum
Moving so brisk I'm rending this sensitive flesh
I'm perpetually responsive to the effect of the smooth contingency
I'll blow my vitals all over the room eventually
Disperse my words and phrases in a flurry of skin
Trying to remain embedded to the ground in this unstable scene
I hope you conceive that after you withdraw I'm shadowing you
Scrutinizing every last impression you leave on the surface
Each oscillation I freeze
Inspecting every twist and turn
I apprehend who you are my love
I'm expecting further advancement in these explorations
After the concluding sequence I await no explanations
(just novel situations)
Fired into the foreign atmosphere
This air is skintight in our semblance
Flares will merely breath at our heels
The ruminations in our heads aspire to ravish and decimate
But we've operated the schemed steps
Locked this deleterious thinking away
Smother the haunting key!
A heart can only converse through our lungs air
Consume us momentarily fire, we don't and won't perceive a thing
(it's not out yet)
Spill these watery corpses on the detrimental pesticides
(Don't let it get away with this!)
This is the first pedestal on the artery
An avenue to ever lasting time!
(murder!)
(murder!)
(murder!)
We are faultless homicides
Reaping these conceptions that hunt us
Slashing them down like inadequate crops
Suspended from wooden beams in our attic
For the greater solution, leave them to desiccate
They'll succumb to inevitability with the antiquity that skinned them alive
We can't succor it anymore
So be composed, get in, and don't worry my love
Don't deliver another distressed word
Sunlight is peeking aloft horizons shoulder
Crave cover my innocent lover
The daylight has naught yet commenced

I guess I should mention that I'll read and comment a poem of your choice as well.

Lol...

Firstly it is not your poem, am I correct.

The poem itself, needs alittle work, because it is out there meaning there is no full stops or at least commas. The content was good...But not something I read everyday.

What are you talking about, that is MY poem. Sukiyo is just my login name so I thought I had to put that...

And the linebreaks are the pauses. I do experimental poetry, so yeah.....

There are no line breaks....

And that is my honest critique, or either take it or whin...

*laughs*

You know where I hit enter and it goes to the next sentence. That's enough of a line break for me.

Really because we all press enter, when I do it, it comes with a fullstop.

*Gasp I did it*

MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA

*rolls around on the floor*

oh please tony isamil is smarter than you and probably has alot more experience than you...ya might want to listen to her...she has been on here forever...as long as i have and i think i started in 04' so blah! lol
i like the poem though

opps i spelled he rname wront...isamail? maybe sorry!

lol, Courtney shut up. You see, just because she writes with comma's after every line doens't mean I have too. It's not that hard to adjust to. After it goes to the next line PAUSE. Not that hard. Yes I know comma's mean that too. But does it look like I care anymore? I think this poem proves I'm not dumb.

Lol...

Thanks BloodScars, but I am a him...Lol..

No it's just shows a never-ending poem, with no stops or breaks, or even stanza's.

Poetry is read by the reader, they need to read the poem and at least stop to read the next one.Otherwise they will not understand.

lol did i say her...my bad *hides*

Lol..No problem...BloodScars...

There are no stanza's in this poem...

And it's easy to know when it ends and where the pauses are. You should be able to understand it by just reading it from top to bottom, pausing when it goes to the next line, and stopping at the end.

It's not that hard to understand really.

i understand it. i like it a lot. Its very long but it has a lot of meaning and depth. Very good, I thought.

btw...ismail just joined this year??? it says he joined in 2006.