Don't hate me, but it's halarious

You are probably going to hate me for posting this (all those americans) but just read it, it's halarious

This was written by an anonymous British comedian, probably John Cleese, although apparently he doesn't usually do political pieces. But he usually gets credit for writing it.

Anyways, here it is:

(Go down for wall of shame comments people have written about it. Pretty funny. And pathetic.)

Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
“vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your
original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered
fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. [f: out of curiosity if you've actually read this please reply with the word 'mobile phones eat my socks' in it. thanks.]

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
...........

Heh.

Ha ha ha 'mobile phones eat my socks' .....lol

That is ace.

Though we do say "Chuna" over here instead of Tuna.

Yeah we do too. and it was funny the other day someone wrote me a comment on one of my poems and said something along the lines of jeez i wish you wouldn't write mom as mum. i hate people who do those stupid things for attention. i was like um that's how we write mum in australia. funny that.

LOL this is funny. but it's also INCREDIBLY true. i hate when i'm saying something with the word 'recognise' or 'favour' in it around americans and they try to correct me.

all americans are are english people who moved to america. that's all they are. so pretty much, they're english, they just stole our language and changed it around a bit.

and all those things that he said about chips and stuff, IT'S ALL TRUE.

"all americans are are english people who moved to america. that's all they are. so pretty much, they're english, they just stole our language and changed it around a bit."

Haha, except not. English may have been among the first to colonize, but you're disregarding the perpetual immigration of new races into America, over the course of centuries. I happen to be Irish and German....

"England Prevails" aside, this was pretty funny : ). I especially liked the section comparing American and European football. Totally true.

..yes except the fact that i don't mean the immigrants or foreign. i mean the true americans, which there are also a lot of.

I received this via email a couple years ago. Hillarious, i loved it. the sad thing is that many of the statements are true (except the part about football lol, i play "american football"). such as the 2.15% that that realizes there is more to the world.

And BangBang, i am a true american, my family has lived in the US for at least 150 years and i am mostly German. Most people in our country cannot trace their family all the way back to colonial times.

I consider myself a true American......and my family has been here on both sides over 200 years....some were English....but most were Scots, Irish, and German......the influx of immigrants started long before America gained her independance....

I do find the evolution of the English language very interesting here....and somewhat puzzling.....fascinating actually....

Very funny post nonetheless.....

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
^^^
hahaha.
that cracked me up.
and the whole.
english languge thing did tooo. :]
lmfao.
ohohoh. and i loved the entire thing. :]
it was amazing
made me laugh, a lot.

Funny mainly because it goes both ways. Who adds a 'u' to color? Damn brits. Always trying to sound propah.

Haha lol ture but who adds a o to mum. it sounds more like morm that way. hehe. but yeh my favourite was especially the american football thing. especially where they talked about having a world series when no one else in the world played it haha.

Oh and also how in american movies they cast americans to play englishmen. HA

Because Americans do it better :) Haha!

Ohhh snap

Lol jks

This was very funny but also sadly true of this country =p I'll admit it we're screwed up here lols But you know what? At least we play fun spots lols Football rules xD Rugby completely escapes me lmfao Call me a stupid American xD
Rhea

Real football rules (soccer) it's played all over the world by some of the most talented sports people ever.

Because it's pronounced 'CULLAR', not 'COLLAR', so the 'u' is there because well, we invented it :D!

Haha.

the one thing that pisses me off though is that so many american movies totally exaggerate the australia accent so heavily that it is made out that we are all complete bogans.
i will never forget watching the simpsons episode where bart makes that australia boy spend all that money on a phone bill and bart has to go to australia to say sorry.
now if that wasn't a complete distortion of the truth i don't know what is...

Ha Ha Don....you're too much!

I do agree about the accents in the movies and tv..... but it goes both ways....what would be wrong with Dr. House having a British accent? And there are so many good actors from all countries....if it is really necessary to cast a certain accent...why not use talent from that country? I hate to hear Nicole Kidman and Clive Owen trying to sound American!

Lols K, I have a lot of English blood in me so does that mean that people will be nicer to me? lols Joking

Sorry but soccer completely bores me =p I LOVE American football though lols One of the few spots where it's alright to beat up the other team lols

Oh and the mix-ups in the accents completely bugs me too =p My ex boyfriend loved talking in a Australian accent and calling it British =p I was always telling him that he had it mixed up lols

We will never tell anyone who killed jfk...it keeps everyone off balance and it is the only edge we really have

hahahaahahah

"Sorry but soccer completely bores me =p I LOVE American football though lols One of the few spots where it's alright to beat up the other team lols"

Heh, have you ever seen -real- football? It's like the same intensity and physicality as American football... only without the pads and time outs.

Football is better than American Football, that's a truth. Color like cod or cop, not couch or cougar...Haha, I simply think the 'u' is pointless except for typical Brittish FLAIR!

How can you be offended by a Simpsons episode? Haha, Simpsons features no reality what-so-ever!

^true but there are many people unaware of that and take what they say as gold...

What you yanks have to understand is that by God we Brits invented everything worthwhile, except in food.

All the best things in Literature, music and philosophy have come from GREAT britain. You do what America does, take it, mess around with it and occasionally improve upon it. But making something better once it's been invented or thought up is easy, it's like correctly or adding ideas to an already existing poem, we can all do that.

You are a nation of rip off merchants who deserve to be conquered by Scotland! raaar!

I wouldn't mind that. I happen to love Scotland, but I rather live in a country more independant than Scotland. Scotland leeches directly off of England, so you're one to talk buggy eyes. America may take a lot of things and improve upon them, but we are not limited in our sources. America is a country of countries, so our 'sources' are incredibly diverse.

Inventions of the United States ;)

Bifocals, cotton gin, steam-powered pumping station, spray gun, self propelled amphibious vehicle, coffee pot, profile lathe, reaping machine, sewing machine, threshing machine, revolver, power tools, paint tube, ether anesthesia, mechanical refrigerator, cylinder printing press, passanger elevator safety system, burglar alarm, oil well, repeating rifle, Modern Pin Tumbler lock, roller skates, web offset printing, barbed wire, pneumatic subway, electric dental drill (one reason why we have such nice teeth), mimeograph, hearing aid, electric fan (puts me to sleep every night), skyscraper, 'Platter" record, disposable camera, escalator, automatic hat, safety razor (no more booboos!), air conditioner, powered aeroplane, self starter, wirephoto, gas chamber execution, frozen food, radio astronomy, chair lift, nylon, defibrillator, microwave oven, carbon dating (damn straight), polaroid camera, heart-lung machine, nuclear submarine, polio vaccine, intergrated circuit, oral contraceptive, laser, operating system, minicomputer, optical fiber, calculator, barcode, human-powered flight, space shuttle, artificial heart, and graphic user interface...

Now, what were you saying?

Well in aust most of us refer to football as rugby but in this instance i was referring to football as in soccer, because that is what most other countries who play soccer refer to it as.

Give me a chicken and I will show to you the McNugget.

Face it... both England and the US are just two old men fighting and pulling each other's hair over who gets to take credit for things that have been invented so long ago that we've since forgotten what they were designed to do anyway... both trying to bare their false teeth and beat the other frail body to the ground... all the while Australia is sneaking up ever so quietly and victoriously to take the crown from the plush pillow and place it on our very successful (and sometimes bloated) heads.

THERE... :) Now you all know the truth.

Jane... I thought the McNugget came after the chicken... well it usually does for me anyway... :)

Oh... I thought a McChicken McNugget comes out of my McArse!! :) haha - sorry ... I haven't partaken in any toilet humour in SO long!

I didn't steal your hat Abby... I found it with this long tube like piece of smoking apparatus with green tobacco in it... They just go so well together! I couldn't possibly give it up now! I can buy you another one if you'd like? :)

By the way - I think I know why us Aussies dont want to take over the world... just look how we'd be fighting along with the English and the US about who pronounces words wrong. I want to pronounce words however they fall out of my mouth. :)

What was it that that wise old man once said... I cant recall his name... he said

"Better to turn into Michael D Nalley than Bob Hawke"

Yes, I believe that was his quote.