Kevin And Angelina's Date [private]

[Note to anyone who is not me, Angelina or Bob Shank. This is a private thread for the game "blind Dates" which is taking part in the members section. You can get involved there if you like but I'd ask people not to post in this thread unless you are involved otherwise I will delete your messages, thanks]

The plane journey had been a pain in the ass, and not because of the strip search I'd had getting through customs on the way out of the airport, every time I tried to ask for some water or food the stewardesses couldn't understand me. In the end, they had to watch trainspotting and then get a translator in to convert my scots slang in American, not a good start.

I was tense as hell sitting in the cab heading over to the Congress building, the cab driver sensing my disquiet glanced back at me.

"You ok Pal?" he said.
"Aye, I'm just Scottish, don't worry about it man, got a hot date wi a girl who's out of my league."
He smiled into the mirror, and then leafed, one handed through a scots slang book he had on his dashboard, this guy was a pro. Finally comprehension dawned.

"You come all the way to America for a date? She must be some girl"
"She better be man, I've never met the lass, some cracker wiseguy set us up, all expenses paid."

He didn't have time to translate that, we have arrived at our destination. I paid him, no tip except to watch trainspotting and got out of the cap. She would be here soon. I looked myself over. Not too bad, nice black pinstripe suit, white shirt and rock star boots...6ft 3 of nervous Celtic loverboy.

"Edinborough....Liecester...Edinboroough...."...damn it, my America accent suck ass.

6 hours later I found myself in another lap dancing bar talking to a lassy called Shiraz. She was nice, not nice like my Gran, but nice in the way that being a lone Scot in a foreign land who's been stood up can make anyone seem nice who talks to you.

I'd told her my sob story and she had "comforted" me twice, mostly to Duran Duran songs, but I wasn't complaining. She liked my accent, i like her shoulders.

"I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS CRAPHOLE" I yelled suddenly, kicking over my table.
"Shiraz, you are everything a stupid man could ever want in a lap dancer who talks to complete strangers...but I didn't travel hundreds of poorly communicated miles for the likes of you...I WANT SOME SERIOUS ACTION!"

I stormed out, cursing in old Scots which made people clap for me, idiots. Angelina still wasn't at the Congress building and the man inside, whom I'd left my mobile number with, had no message for me. It was time to take drastic action. I took out the card Bob had given me with his date rep credentials on it. If my date wasn't going to show up, I'd just have to infringe myself upon another date. I called the number and got the receptionish, who sounded like Vera Lynn.

"Aright, listen hen, your boss has jerked up my date, cause she isnae here eh. Now I ken he was setting up loads O dates at the same time as mine, so what I want from you my dear is a list of names and locations"

"I'm sorry Sir we don't give out that kin.."
"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALK TO WOMAN!!"

I used the old language on her, the celtic bard tongue that had won wars and was the verbal equivelant of a Vulcan death drip....she folded and coughed up the info.

Now all that remained was to crash the dates and take my dues.....mwa...ha ha....

Oooo - hurry up Angelina!!!! You're going to miss him!!!!

This is too funny - Kevin is going to turn up, crashing everyone else's dates, and when he gets to MY date, all he's going to find is a empty bladdered BlankIllusion with a lifesize sand sculpture of himself surrounded by candles!!!! (teehee heee)... its PERFECT!

[Angelina, you will just have to track me down sweetie, i was there for like 6 hours waiting for you....in a strip club near the congress building]

I knew those flying lessons would come in handy, I joyfully mused to myself as my Cub Scout E-17 soared along the coastline in search of my prey. Blank Illusion and Mo had landed near here only hours before according to my intel, and it was my intention to take the woman for my own, by whatever means necessary.

Down below as the sun set I got sight of a camp fire on a beach and banked down for a pass, pulling out my regulation binoculars. The sight that greeted me was not one I wish to recall into my old age. A man, clothed in tattered highly stained clothes, his hair a straggled mess of human matter, was dancing around the camp fire which had as it's center attraction, a life size replica of me. Oh dear God how i wished I was tom cruise at that point....just one missile lock!!!! TALK TO ME GOOSE...TALK TO ME!

I circled around the depraved scene, but the female, Mo was nowhere to be seen...she had ether been sacrificed or had sensed danger and fled into the forest. The barbarian, Blank stopped and roared up at me....spitting whiskey into the fire. I commed the planes loudspeaker.

"You sick animal, Yes it's me Kevin and I'm coming for you Mr, aw yeah it's on now...I'm gonna make you eat the replica of me......actually, no, scratch that I'm not playing your game...I'm just gonna kick your ass....actually you'd like that wouldn't you, I'm going to completely avoid you..huh how'd you like that eh? I'M TAKING YOUR WOMAN YOU FREAK!"...

I think he started crying....I banked left over the forest and began to search for Mo....

I sense some major a** probing on your part Kevin. You should take out "BI" while you still can.

Oh well let's just all spy out on their date. good God! it's like high school all over again

The anticipation is killing me.

I had the awareness of the hunted, and the hunter all at once. The savage Blank Illusion, whose real name I'm sure was Horatio, was somehow down below tracking me at high speed through the forest as I searched for Mo. He must have tamed a small group of powerful animals I thought to myself fast enough to keep pace with a plane. No matter, there is not a beast in all Gods kingdom that can resist the Old Celtic Bard Tongue...they will turn on him like boyband fans grown up....

I resumed my search for Mo, skimming low over the tree's and calling out her name over and over over the loudspeaker. Up ahead was a small mountain range that looked like a likely spot for a rescue for someone with survival training. I pitched into a 6 point roll and made haste...just then my phone rang.

Who the hell could that be at this hour?....I evened the plane out and answered.
"Hello, this isn't a good time right now, so unless you are calling to confirm my Mary Poppins collectors edition has arrived, get stuffed"

There was a moment of perplexed silence, which nourished me more than all the meals I'd missed since getting here.

"Um, Mr Murray this is Vera Lynn from "Once in Your Life" dating services, I have a message for you from Angelina concerning your date"

Upi ahead I could now see smoke from a fire, and what looked like a lone person waving a burning stick.

"what! Was she calling to say she'd posted her little pinkie as recompense for ruining my life! HUh Vera was she!"

"Um no Sir, she is waiting for you in a strip club across the street from the congress building and she sounded rather determined that you should pick her up there...she eh..said you have an hour from now"

One hour, dear God it was going to be tight. I had about 30 seconds to consider my options. Without thinking, or really paying that much attention to the reality of the situation..you know, physics, probability etc....I dug in the back of the plane and pulled out a length of rope, which I attached using a "lubers Regime" knot to the pilots seat and tossed out the window. There was definately a person standing next to the fire trying to signal me...I commed the loudspeaker.

"Attention distressed forest person, I have to go and pick up my date, but I am no a monster, and there is a small chance you are my other date....so, I will fly low over you draping this rope...if you can grab on, and hang on for about 57 minutes, I'll buy you a Vodka collins or something...and maybe we'll make out in a strip club...the choices is yours"

I pushed the plane into a dive and passed over the fire. It was impossible to tell at the speed I was going whether anyone had caught the rope. And if it was MO, maybe she wanted to stay and duel Blank...maybe the forest had got to her and she only wanted to trick me into landing for she could eat me...I didn't have time to think about this...I floored the throttle and pointed the plane at Washington..it was going to be a rough landing.

(Umm... does this mean Im allowed to post in this room now? Pfft... like as if Im going to ask permission.)

I had arrived. Finally. The run through the dense forest had been tough but good for my strong legs to get some exercise. The stubble from my newly burnt-off bum hairs was giving me chaff. This was not my idea of a perfect date. I reached into my handbag and pulled out my strawberry lip balm... argh... that should deal with the chaff for now.

I had arrived at a rickety wooden half-way house. Half way to where, I'd never know. I could still hear the grunts of BI as he danced around on the beach and the cracklings of the fire as he threw powder into the flames from his "love potion number 9" bottle. He still hadn't managed to find his pants and whatever clothing he had left he had used to dress "Kevin's" sandy body in. I dont think he'd even noticed that I'd gone. I was still wearing the school boy outfit he'd adorned me in, the name tag on my breast reading "Hi, my name's Kevin". I was starting to think this internet dating stuff wasn't for me... when I heard the distant buzz of an aeroplane... I could tell from its high whine that it was an OMF-160 Symphony... could that be Kevin? I quickly managed to muster all my skills I had taken with me from Girl Guides - oh ... actually I had already used that one skill when I applied my lip gloss to my butt... Ok I dug up my memories from when I used to live with gorillas in Congo and built a fire to warn my knight in shining aeroplane of my location.
As he flew closer I could hear him giving me instructions "Forest... pick up ... my date... monster... Grab hold ... Vodka... strip club..." Now THIS was more my idea of a date. I judged the rope getting closer to me and lunged at it, anticipating its swing. Holding onto the rope for the duration of the flight wasn't the hard part of my transfer... it was more the stench of the rope he'd thrown me... why is it that this rope smells like it was woven from some wench's back hair?

*nice one Angelina....nice one*

I stood considering my options, which given my complete disregard for social convention, the law and my own personal wellbeing, were vast indeed. She was beautiful like a jar of fresh pesto in the morning sun, and I think she kinda knew it too, which I liked, especially after a high speed planeflight. I accepted her offer of drink and we sauntered over to the bar, casual like. I was still pumped full of adreneline from my escape but managed to maintain while our drinks were mixed. We said nothing until they arrived. Just two well dressed young things soaking up the vibe of the place.

Somehow, she guessed my favourite brand when I asked for whiskey, Drambue, with a little water, damn she was good. We chinked glasses and finally, properly regarded each other.

"So tell me where have you been" she said, staring at me openly like a child in a sweet shop, innocent looking but dangerous. I opening my mouth to explain at great length and with massive wit and charm when the doors of the club flew open and a cowgirl stormed in, replete with white cowboy hat and wild eyes. I downed the whole drink on instinct...it would be my last pain free one I felt for a LONG time I felt. The charm and wit would have to wait, it was time for a fact filled rant that would get my into trouble.

"Ah crap, listen, i flew here in a plane that I kinda stole. Whilst in that plane, suffering from jetlag and monsterous rebound rage at being stood up by you I went off looking to sabotage or at least interupt some other dates arranged by the same wiseguy who set us up....the cowgirl walking at speed towards us is called Mo, and I rescued her, kind of, from her date...who may or may not be a man named Blank Illusion who has an anal fixation with me and a pack of wild animals at his command"

I took a huge deep breath and signalled to the barman to get me another drink, hoping against hope I'd be able to drink it. Angelina sipped hers, looked at Mo fast approaching and tapped her fingers along the top of her glass.

"So why does she looked so annoyed at you then?"

I took another deep breath, this was going to be the kicker.

"Well, when I say I rescued her I mean I kinda dragged her here through the air on a poorly sanitized rope at great risk to her health because i was rushing to meet you, and well, I didn't know if she was on the rope or not so I had to land the plane in a quiet street with her dangling below, which either hurt....alot...or at the very least, caused her some level of discomfort...also, I realized whilst glancing at the blind date list...before I met you and realized how...eh...well, how nice you look and what good taste in alcohol you have....that she is my second date from the agency..and she doesn't know about you being my first. I think a combination of those things might have contributed to her general hostility..."

Angelina smiled, she seemed ever so amused at my predicament, by God I think she was warming to me.

"Don't ruin your pinstripe in the fall" she whispered.

"Eh?" I said, she motioned towards my left, as I turned a small but solid and perfectly formed fist connected with my jaw and I went down, holding my glass steady and true, which is an inate and genetic scottish skill. Sparks danced in front of me...little Blank Illusion shaped sparks.

"You have ruined my new cowhide boots Mr with that James Bond landing " I heard someone say from faraway. I stood up and perused my attacker, who was a distractly fresh faced woman, blonde and athletic, fire eyed...with a distant sadness there I hoped one day to write about in my memoirs. Indeed her once pristine white cowboy boots were smoking and rather scraped, almost as if she had been dragged along harsh congrete at speed...well, by a plane I guess.

"You must be Mo" I said putting my glass down.
"Nice punch" I added. She seemed satisfied and relaxed, smiling finally, lighting up the room with a great set of ivories.

"Yeah nice suit, and thanks for rescuing me" she said.

Just then a delicate but strong long fingered hand graced my left cheek with life affirming force that stung me and staggered me back several paces. I could feel the imprint tattoo of the blow already forming on my mug. Angelina shook her hand off and blew on it, then walked over and kissed me on the cheek. I knew then my heart was going to be lost at some point over the next 48 hours to one of these vixens..one or both.

"Thats for standing me up and double dating me, and the kiss is for getting here within my time constraints"

My drink arrived and I downed it and asked for another, for the pain I explained to the barman. Mo formed her hands into fists again and move towards me.
"Mo, listen to me doll, I don't want to use the Old Celtic Bard tongue on you...well not yet at least...listen, i was double booked by the scoundrel Bob at the agency..I only realized this on the charming plane flight back...i would never knowingly double date a woman who can punch as well as you can. What I propose if we have some drinks, relax and then we all go for a plane flight...there is something I need to get back before this date, this double date..can really swing along....in fact there are two things, very personal to me..that I need to reclaim...and something I need to return to it's rightful owner, as I have you too now so I won't be needing it...whadaya say ladies? Wanna come fly with me?...adventure, mystery, all that crap?"

They glanced at each other and I await my destiny.

*Bob, we ain't slepy anywhere yet, we are partying too much man!...ain't this getting a life of it's own...rock on!!*

The decision to leave came suddenly, and was Angelina's idea. The bill was a factor I think, even though I told her we had perfect credit, for the whole adventure, she insisted it was time to leave, and Mo, keen as all cowgirls are for pastures new didn't argue. They both took an arm, seeming to think I was intoxicated, but I tried to explain to nature of Scottish people and being drunk, they didn't understand, and besides a beautiful woman on each arm was nothing to debate., I said to myself, winking at the doormen.

"My plane is just around the corner ladies" I said gently leading them in the right direction. Angelina was regaling us with tales of her musical career. Boy was she an upper class lassy, I mean I felt like making excuses for my complete lack of classical knowledge, and I knew then I like the girl. Only when a boy feels he must either lie profusely or say sorry for not knowing what she knows, does the reality of serious infatuation set in.

"What do you do Mo" She asked, peering around my chest at the slinky rawhide leading lady on my left.

"I do people honey" she said, laughing wholeheartedly.

"I'm a hunter, a tracker, a bodyguard sometimes, you know, used to be a hitwoman but didn't like the hours..and my cowboy hat always gave me away so i dropped that, but yeah, I'm a woman of action"

Angelina smiled, tapping out a song on my arm, which she had been doing since we left the club. If I wasn't a drummer myself I might have killed her, as it was I was mentally picking out a nice jazz beat to go along with her. I had a huge urge to toyfight with Mo, test my Scottish Kung fu, know as Scottish Fu on her...but it seemed innapropriate, even thought I knew it was a sign of simple effection...like a teenage boy. Damn this duel date stuff was fantastically complicated.

"Ah well Mo, I may have need of your skills before this night is over, what do you say? Will you protect me from all enemies, foreign and domestic whilst still being a woman of leisure in my company, can you handle those duel roles?"

She hit me playfully in the ribs and I pretended I didn't feel anything, damn she was strong.

"Sure sweetie, though my rates are pretty damn high, even with your perfect credit, you might wanna check with Bob about paying me from his account."

"Ah, away wi him. The man's in enough trouble as it is what with the fines for the plane I stole, and well, I couldn't just leave it standing in a street so I kinda had to phone in a bomb threat for it, just so they'd leave it alone for a few hours...pity I said my name was Bob Shank...gave them his address as well...oops!"
They laughed as we turned the corner. Sure enough the plane was still there surrounded by a lot of tape, some flashing lights and two sucurity guards. We stopped and surveyed the scene.

"Ladies, I'd be right interested in your opinions on how to liberate my stolen terrorist threat plane so we can continue our date."

Mo stepped forward anc cracked her knuckles.
"Leave the one on the left to me, Angelina babe, can you take the right one?"

Angelina smiled and put her head on my shoulder.

"I think that would be within my powers" she said quietly, pulling my forward with her towards a 350lbs man with a gun and a huge German attack dog. Mo vanished in a flash of white. Angelina starting humming some tune to herself. The guard turned around and fingered his Glock 17.

"You folks can't come in here" he said, but Angelina laughed gently and we ducked under the restricted tape and moved towards him.

"You take the Dog Kevin" she said seperating from me. I looked down at her, so delicate and fragile looking..so classical...well it was her gig I thought. I set my eyes on the Dog and began the complex breathing excercises need to put the Old Celtic Bard Tongue on it. he began to growl but I had him, eye to eye. I heard a muffled groan off to my left and a thud as the guard dropped, the dog looked away from me for second and I let rip with the word.

"hoots ye bamy mutt git doon N kip awaaaaa". The dog was unconscious instantly. I staggered with the power I had just released, Angelina steadied me from out of nowhere, taking my arm again and walking me to the plane, where Mo was waiting, leaning, cowboy hat down agaist the pilots door.

"how did you ladies do that?" I asked.

" well Kevin," said Angelina" Not alot of people know this, but the human spine is very much like the keys of a piano, if you touch the right ones in a certain order amazing things can happen"

What a genius I thought to myself, I'd have to get her to show me some of that later.

"I used the SAS 3 second knockout" said Mo simply. Was it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? It was like God had gifted me with the ying and yang of female company.

I unlocked the plane and helped them get in, hiding my issues of Mary Poppins Monthly under the pilots seat.

"Ok ladies, strap yourselves in. I know this hasn't been a conventional date, but as we say in Scotland "whits fer ye willnae go by ye". We make now for the port of New Orleans where I have it on good Intel a certain pirate ship will be docked tomorrow morning bto re-supply for it's trip to Scotland. I have to square with you both, and please don't hit me again, but there is a girl I have to see, maybe 3 girls actually, but mainly one that I have business with...look at this"

I pulled out the breast of Abby The Fabby, as she had been when I knew her, and boy did I know her. Mo and Angelina both took the breast and had a good inspection.

"Very nice" they both said, ignoring completely the biological implications of handling severed piece of human flesh I'd been carrying for years, in my pocket. It was preserved though, by means I know not how.

"Yeah, it is quite nice isn't it. Unfortunately the women to whom it originally belonged, before I won it by the skill of my Claymore, doesn't like me very much these days...she has...ah, a similar apendage of mine, two in fact, that I need to recover, and this must happen soon, which means of course I'll need your help. If we an mix our date with this most Holy of Missions, I'd be most grateful"

I started the plane up.

"But never mind all that nonsense....how about a night of partying in New Orleans eh? Angelina my lass, there have Piano's there..and Mo...they have, well guns and horses and whatever else you want....IMMORTLA CREDIT..can you grasp that..this is going to be ace!"

I pulled the plane up off the tarmac and into the night sky. In my pocket Abby's breast gave a small twitch...she was thinking about me, the breast always moved when she thought about me...usually in the morning...and after lunch...at toilet breaks basically....I made an oath in the old tongue to settle with her before this was over

Ergo, alas twas a bump.

We had been in the jazz bar Silkies, in the heart of the French quarter of New Orleans, not a breasts throw from the docks scarce 5 minutes, just long enough for me to dance with Angelina and Mo individually, when the breast in my pocket gave a huge shudder..and began to twitch to a heartbeat that was not mine.

My Nemesis, who I had once loved like a gay brother, was approaching, or in the toilet thinking about me, but her movements were like clockwork, and this wasn't her time, which meant she was coming for me. I had perhaps 45 seconds to act.

Fate it seemed was on my side. The owner of the club hopped up on stage and stopped the band. He looked like a really fat Carlie chaplin.

"Ladies and gentlmen, we have a very special couple in tonight, no wait, make that a trio...and I've been reliably informed that one of them is a classically trained Pianist and that the other two can sing, I wonder folks, if they would favour us with a few tunes! Angelina, Kevin and Mo..where are you?"

Mo and Angelina smiled, but didn't react...I put my hand up, grabbed them both and shoved them onstage...grabbing a nice 1920 looking hat from the double bass player, who on some basic male survival level, knew I just stole from him to save my life from a pack of sex starved Amazon, dandy pirates. He was a real gentleman. I threw my jacket off into the crowd, and ripped open my shirt a little, to much applause...little did they know I was now in disguise!

25 seconds.....the breast was doing acrobatics in my trouser pocket..she knew I was in here....a couple of ladies in the front row spotted the trouser movement and grinned up at me....Damnit..no time for that. I took the mike from the guy, motioning Angelina to the Piano, which was thankfully at the back, shaded enough to hide her. Mo, her battle instincts honed by years of beating the crap of out people, needed no words to take the backing vocal mike, she was born ready. She pulled down her cowboy hat as I surveyed the audience.

"Thanks Charlie, or Johnny, whatever it says outside...ok folks, boy have we got a show for you...Angie darling, can you play some upbeat jazz for me...something in Amajor...Mo, watch me for the changes and try to keep up"

I turned to the drummer and double bass player and used a complex series of hand gestures which told them the beat"

Just then the doors of the club burst in and my Nemesis, Fabby Abby, or One Breast Abe as she was known now, stalked into the club, Cutlass in hand, pistols on her belt, followed by a fierce looking lass with two leather whips and a delicate angelic beauty, who was weilding a book and some pencils. I was simultaneously aroused and horrified..but I bowed my head, hidden by the hat and my ruffled appearance.

"Hit it" i said in my best Christopher Walken accent. Angelina kicked up a stirring melody that had all the hallmarks of a great tune...the drummer followed suit, slapping a dancable beat to the song...and the double bass player, now hatless...put the bottom on the tune...I bopped from side to side and considered my options as i watched the new arrivals barge their way to the bar....slapping people in the face who tried to look away from them. Abe, my old lover abby was still a crusty gem of a gal under all that dirt, sweat and pirate gear. I channeled the spirit of Walken and started to sing/speak....

"So anyways, this song
goes out to all the ladies who're wrong
...and, you know, by that
I mean all the ladies who are out to sea....cat

It don't matter an inch to me
whether they have one breast or three
you know, all thats important I decree
is that they not go on a killing...spree"

Mo kicked out some nice harmonies. I risked a peep under the rim of my hat. Abby and her crew were leaninglike yobs...or Pirates against the bar, arms behind them facing the stage. They had taken no notice of us as they walked in, but now they were watching with rapt attention, Abby especially....her one good eye gleamed like a beacon or perversion and twisted monkey love...the other one, the savage princess, she looked ready to either mate or kill, or both. Her timid companion was reading, but I knew better than to judge a book by it's cover.

"If I may, you know, take a moment
I'd like to introduce the band, so you know it.
On the keys, one of my dates, sent by the fates
she can kill with her bare fingers, believe I've seen heh....it's the lovely Angelina"

the crowd went wild...Abby and her gang stood up straight and started whispering to each other.

"On backing vocals and stetson hat, a real cool cat
I mean, she kills people, you know, just like that,
she don't take it slow, I thought you three should know...it's...Mo"

Another large round of applause. The breast in my pocket was like a gerbil with rabies, drawing even more impressed looks from the ladies in the front row. My Walken impression was in full flow now.

"last but not least, your singer, your bard
with a message for those who like to say AAAArrrr'd
babe, here's your breast, I kept it for love
I'll trade it with you for my two special doves
We could have been married, raised a wee rabble
it's not my fault that I beat you at scabble"

A mighty roar let loose from the bar...and I glanced up to see Abby kicking her way towards the stage....her two companions cleaving people out of the way.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, my 3 friends heading towards the bar are giving away free CD's of our debut album "Pirate Love -The apendage years"...get them now before they run out!

Mo and Angelina jumped off the stage with me as a huge surge of people moved towards Abby and her droogs..slowing them down.

We burst out of the club.

"To the plane?" asked Angelina? I kissed her on the cheekc, Mo too

"Ladies, that was awesome, but no, the plane is too far...and they won't waste any time cutting through that crowd. No, we make the last place they will think to look for us....WE MAKE FOR THE KEVIN'S STONES....Abby's ship...it's close enough...and we can stow away and disguise ourselves as crew...

We ran towards the ship at full speed...yo ho ho.

I grinned back at her, damn she was stylish under pressure...sparking up on a pirate ship whilst the owner and her motley crew were no doubt speeding, as in moving with extreme haste to this very location to either kill or deflower me, in the 3 way pirate sense.

"well my plucky lass, we can't take this ship anywhere, as usual Abby has taken the steering wheel with her...I knew she was walking funny...well funnier than usual, I vote we put on these old pirate clothes and muck ourselves up. If we splash drink on our clothes and pretend to be drunk, she might be drunk enough herself to forget she didn't hire us..she is always taking on new crew and then either killing them, or if they don't meet either her ship or toilet needs, she just makes them walk the plank"

Mo did a full backwards somersault.

"Ah that feels better. I say we just ambush them, take the wheel and take a slow boat to China" We hastily got dressed up anyway...throwing mud and rum over ourselves.

It was time I felt to reveal another important piece of the puzzle. I took a cigerette from Angelina, lit it up, then coughed like a bitch when I remembered I don't smoke...still it look sweet in my hands as I told a story of fate and power.

"I'm afraid it won't be that easy my cowgirl lass. You see Abby and I, were once lovers, back in the days when she was Fabby Abby the Uncursed, a robin hoodess of pirates, and I was the Diplomatic Envoy to all pirate folk across the European seaboard. It was her breakup from me that turned her sour, and dear jesus I wish i could say she was the first or last psychopathic sex fiend killer I've created by dumping them...anyhoo. I beat her at scabble one day, it was lucky really cause I'm more of a music man you know, but I beat her good and proper..and that night while we were in the act of love she brought it up, the game that is....and being a pirate, got a bit rough with me...in that she cut off my veg, if you take my meaning..you know, me sacred sprouts....I whipped out my scottish claymore and lopped off one of her breasts.....but these were magical sex wounds which didn't bleed...and the hacked off bits are magically preserved"

Mo had her hands on her hips.

"We've all been there honey, so what needs to be done?"

"Abby has killed hundreds, perhaps thousands in her search for her breast, and me....she must have it back, and I must have me goolies back too...cause I can't balance proper without them. I'm afraid though, like the One ring in Lord of the rings...it won't be so easy....our bits and pieces were torn asunder in the fires of monkey pirate celt love, and only there can they be remade....Only I can do this"

Angelina flicked her fag into the ocean.

"You really know how to show a girl an interesting time Kevin...even if you are a bit of a slag"

My witty rebutal died in my throat...I could hear voices approaching, angry voices...I looked back at my dates...but they had already dived into piles of fishing nets and rope...placing themselves in drunken stupor positions and looking every part the old pirate...I ran for the captains quarters, snatched the key from it's usualy hiding place, under a fake scorpion called Fred, opened the door, replaced the key and dived under the bed...i was taking a huge risk, but Pirates respected brass balls of gold, especially from people who knew what it meant to lose them.

Outside I could hear them arguing about where we'd gone...they had wrecked the plane...that was bad..but they surely had no idea were we where....unless....unless one of them made a totally unfair and Godemode leap of deduction that would ruin my well laid plot ideas and expose us all in seconds...I prayed to Captain Spock, logical diety that wouldn't happen.

"Arr, but Cap'n, don'tcha mean yer ship? What be a thread?"

Yes'm.