Submission date : 2010-06-02
It gives you the feel strait out of a haunting film - the first four lines especially made me think 'Vincent Price.'
If you want some criticism -
Your rhythm is slightly off, the only part I got stuck on though was here:
"Suddenly your lifted and the mist disappears from your sight,
The light of the dawn has ended the night."
Depending on where you want your emphasis you may try dropping words/syllables that don't carry feeling as long as it doesn't compromise your meaning.
Suddenly your lifted, mist disappears from sight.
The light of dawn has ended the night,
Still a little off, but the closer you can get it the smoother it rolls.
Overall a decent write, I quite like it, Thank you for sharing.