Fear the ghosts <resubmitted>

by Dragon

The entity will rise in a dark, cold mist
to claim another victim, add to its list
The creaking floor boards strike fear in your mind
Your eyes search for the source, but none will you find.
The voice of a demon is heard in a groan...
You think to run, to get outside,
but the fear has your body petrified.
The mist has formed and changed position.
It stands before you, an apparition.
Is it a loved one who has passed away
or a demonic spirit that wants you as prey?
In a flash it swoops straight toward your bed.
The air becomes heavy, sudden feelings of dread.
Again there's a moan, the many voices now shriek,
"Cut him, Cut him, our spirits are weak"
"Kill him, Kill him, his soul we need"
"It's been too long, we need to feed"
The gashes appear on your chest and leg.
they burn and bleed, for your life you beg.
A visceral moan is heard in a roar.
"Die, Die" as your thrown to the floor.
"Open him up, rip him apart"
"bleed him dry and crush his heart"
You feel the life slipping, losing your grasp.
You pray for redemption, a final gasp.
Suddenly your lifted and the mist disappears from your sight.
The light of the dawn has ended the night.
Your fear subsides with the rising sun
thankful its over, the torture is done.
But what will happen later this night,
when darkness returns and the spirits take flight?

Love to hear your comments. Read more of my shit and I'll read yours...


Submission date : 2010-06-02

Visits : 1592
Votes : 2
Rating : 4.0

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Latest comments

Keleena at 2010-10-02

It gives you the feel strait out of a haunting film - the first four lines especially made me think 'Vincent Price.'

If you want some criticism -
Your rhythm is slightly off, the only part I got stuck on though was here:

"Suddenly your lifted and the mist disappears from your sight,
The light of the dawn has ended the night."

Depending on where you want your emphasis you may try dropping words/syllables that don't carry feeling as long as it doesn't compromise your meaning.

Suddenly your lifted, mist disappears from sight.
The light of dawn has ended the night,

Still a little off, but the closer you can get it the smoother it rolls.

Overall a decent write, I quite like it, Thank you for sharing.