Comments : Walking The Line

  • 9 years ago

    by Nix

    Very interesting piece, I enjoyed in whole poem, you wrote it truly originally and I love ideas, you expressed emotions remarkably.
    I really think that this is very descriptive and you said a lot of your emotions through just two stanza s and images which is quite impressive.
    Ending line is really effective, I honestly think that you did fantastic job.

  • 9 years ago

    by Nicole the Fairy

    Hmm. Okay. Lets start with:

    Stanza 1:

    “So solitary, On the bathroom floor,
    Wiping the tears my reflection saw,
    Time's a wasting before my eyes,
    Drawing the line of my own demise.”

    -- Firstly, great rhythm and rhyme, love poems that rhyme ;] Umm. Loved the use of the complex/sophisticated words;
    “solitary” “demise”. < well used.

    Favourite line is:
    “Drawing the line of my own demise.”
    ^ Apart from the great wording- demise – it adds an interesting thought, like demise means ‘end’ or ‘termination’, and it really makes you think, holy shit, that’s what she’s actually doing- killing herself < came up with “herself” because of next stanza.

    Stanza Conclusion:
    A very interesting stanza. With sadness, I enjoyed reading. Loved the rhythm and the rhyme a lot—style is great!!

    ----------------------------------------------

    Stanza 2:

    “Eyes rolling back into my head,
    Spinning thoughts of things he said,
    And as I leave everything behind,
    I just keep on walking the line.”

    -- Also a great stanza, with the rhythm, but, sorry for this—the last two lines don’t really rhyme in my mind!! Arghh sorry ;[
    It sounds great, but ‘Behind.. Line’ – no rhyme! It does sound the same, but after reading it aloud 20 times and even getting a friend to read it aloud, it doesn’t rhyme—BUT I am not going to look at this little negative… I’m keeping with the positives!
    It is a good stanza—relates well to the topic/theme, and the title- “Walking the Line” – very well used in the last line.
    But, why does it say “I just keep on walking the line.”????? Does this mean she lived, and keeps trying??
    Didn’t quite add up in my head, but it still worked for me.

    Favourite line is:
    “Spinning thoughts of things he said,”
    ^ It explains why she is doing this- in 1 line- JUST ONE! Which is great ;]

    Stanza Conclusion:
    Well constructed stanza, thoroughly enjoyed this one- it was like a simple goodbye.

    --------------------------------------------

    Poem Conclusion:
    Sad. Yet fantastic. Loved it. –Simple –Complex –Sophisticated –Mature.
    Really liked the fact it was only a small poem, yet contained complex and sophisticated words. It made the author very mature in writing poems, I’m sure you are ;] but this shows what you can do, under this topic, in this type of theme, under these circumstances.

    Well done. Great job.

    Keep it up <3

    - Good luck in the future! ;]

    -- Nicole xx

  • 9 years ago

    by Nicole the Fairy

    Oh, And sorry.
    I forgot!!

    Five out of Five.

    And.. Note >
    Everytime it says
    �
    These are quotation marks. (66's and 99's)
    It really hates me -.-
    - Nicole xx
    <3

  • 9 years ago

    by Nicole the Fairy

    Grr. Stupid.
    - " '
    Hope these work.

    But grammar is playing up with me.
    - Nicole x

  • 9 years ago

    by Melpomene

    First up I really liked the title. It caught my attention and straight away I knew this wasn't a cutting poem.

    The flow rhythm. and rhyme of this piece was great. Truely smoothe and it rolled off the tongue. I liked the effect you portrayed here by using such a smoothe flow.

    I liked how you mixed simple and complex words together. Instead of saying death you used the word "Demise" which is good to see.

    I think the structure of this poem was neat and tidy, which is good to see. A good syllable count.

    The emotion portrayed here was quite deep and beautiful in it's own way. It showed some powerful feelings. Well done with that.

    The last lines didn't have a rhyme which made the flow shake a little bit but nothing to reuin the poem completely. It was still stunning.

    A sweetly short written poem which held so much in just a few lines. Well done this was an enjoyable read. 5/5 from me. You deserve it. Keep writing. ~Mel

  • 9 years ago

    by RavishingEruption

    Very nice. Hard to believe it isnt a cutting poem.
    "Walking the Line" is a good way to convay the ideas and feelings behind cutting but hey thats just me...
    great work. however, the first 2 lines in the first stanza don't match. idk if they were supposed to but the rest of the lines did....

    5/5 anyway!!!!
    : )

  • 9 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    Wow...
    I love this. I wish it was longer because I truly liked it from the first to the last line but it is very effective like this too because you managed to say so much within just two stanzas. I like your choice of words a lot. The imagery that you portrayed in each stanza is breathtaking, very intense. You expressed emotions excellently, too, I could feel everything that you described.
    Overall, greatly written sad poem.
    5/5 from me

  • 9 years ago

    by Lonely Rider

    A very powerful poem...
    the word choice is great...

    "So solitary, On the bathroom floor,
    Wiping the tears my reflection saw,
    Time's a wasting before my eyes,
    Drawing the line of my own demise."

    ^^ loved the first stanza... so much emotions burst out from these lines..
    the way you have described the turmoil within you is awesome..

    I loved the last line
    "I just keep on walking the line."

    it increases impact made by your poem...

    Excellent poem..

  • 9 years ago

    by Sharr

    Nice ;) .

  • 9 years ago

    by ether

    Write more

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "So solitary, On the bathroom floor,
    Wiping the tears my reflection saw,
    Time's a wasting before my eyes,
    Drawing the line of my own demise."

    Wonderful opening stanza, excellent flow and word choice! This poem told was very sad, but you wrote this very well. I enjoyed reading this, keep writing, always and forever...