I read this poem when it was posted before
I just read it again and will comment again
It is interesting and well written. The only editing I would suggest is this line
â€œShe went into the bathroo, sat in the tub and weptâ€
She went into the bathroom, sat in the tub and wept
The poem obviously reflects your life story, but will be categorized as a self-harm poem I remember that the most popular writers on this site wrote in this category I have known of self abusers that were in need of help and when I was in rehab we were warned about the danger of glamorizing our problemsI donâ€™t see this as a glamorization of self harm no more than I believe that a poem that is special to me written by an old flame whom lost her freedom then her life do to her inability to cope
I feel this poem is special
And you are free a to accept or reject this dead poets
she was the star of my book
this was the end of her life story she wrote in prison
Come in peacefully, it â€˜l be OK
Dirty, tired and embarrassed, I let him lead the way
It took all I had, but I decided to pray
No one would believe me, I knew anymore
What I had done surely shut freedoms door
The next few weeks I stayed alone on my knees
Asking Jesus to let me know him please
Read my word, I heard Him say
So I meditated night and day
Now what Lord, I asked in belief
I knew I had begin to experience sweet relief
Follow My way donâ€™t slide from My path
Give up all the bad habits that you have
Lord forgive me I repented each day
Youâ€™re not far from victory I heard Him say
Going to prison, I soon went to school
I found friends in church were the ones that where cool
The Holy Spirit became my best friend
We laugh, and talk, and our love never ends
Mom comes to see me, she says that sheâ€™s proud
I am a knew creature in Jesus I will shout it out loud
If youâ€™re lost, lonely, or in trouble like I was
Donâ€™t get involved no deeper, just look above
Heaven is in your reach, when you believe
Is what helps you understand, God is relief
Love the Lord Jesus Christ by Carolina
To as many as have received Him
He gave the power to become sons of God
I have my reasons for sharing sad stories as you do
And that is why your poem is in my favorites
By sharing our lives we may save one
This is so terribly sad, I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this. Your life somewhat resembles mine. My true love committed suicide (he was addicted to herion and marijuana), because I cheated on him with a guy that was way too old for me. I feel like its my fault that he killed himself, so that's why it hits so close to home when someone else actually tries it. It breaks my heart to hear about someone trying to end their life. Please, don't ever harm yourself again! And let your new guy into your life. He loves you and he's doing his best to make you happy. I don't have any criticisms for this poem. It's perfect in it's own beautiful way.
This story is shocking from beginning to end.
Although the concept of a poem remains, in some places, I'd consider it more of a story than a poem.
There are stanzas, but not much rhymes.
The lines are short and there is some kind of a flow.
Liked the choosing of words here, it let me imagine the whole story from begining to end.
In my opinion the end of the story was the most shocking as I wouldn't expect that such misery could have been brought on a living human.
I've just read this and this is by far one of the most touching poems that I have read, the thing though that makes it so touching is not that its about you, its that you introduce the character as she, so by only revealing yourself at the end makes this a very powerful but beautiful poem.
It's hard to understand how you life has been, even with this outstanding overview. I hope that in years to come you can look back at this write and think, thats what my life used to be, as i pray for only good things in your life from now on. No one should have to go through this, even more, I'd have doubted that anyone should have had the courage to write something like this after something like this in your life.. for this I envy you =)
Overall its amazing- and without repeating myself, to say it again, i'm going to bring this to a close! just one thing, you said one for one, which is the reason that i came here.. but tbh, i don't think i have anything in my locker here as good as this, it would only be a let down to see mine! ;p
9 years ago
Wow... this WAS definitley worth the read. Amazing flow, great poem. You've got it pretty bad :[
"She sits in her room with a sharpie in her hand
Writing down the words that no one understands
There's writing on the walls, up and down her arms
Explaining why she caused herself this mutilating harm"
^^ This was a really good opening stanza. It's written quite strongly. I like it because it gives the reader an idea as to what they will be reading as the continue.
"It tells a heartbreaking chronicle of her brutal life
And it's all there written in plain black and white
This story is for the strong, not the weak at heart
It'll bring tears to your eyes at why she finally fell apart"
^^ I think, in the first line, you should replace "a" with "the". In the fourth line, "at" isn't needed in the line.
"Her daddy was never that nice, alcohol was always on his breath
A bottle was always in his hand and caused her to pray for death
He would always tell her she could do better, he would always yell
She'd rather commit suicide then live in this home of bitter hell"
^^ This was brilliant. I love how it gives the reader a look into this girl who would rather die, than deal with her home life. It shows how broken the girl was.
"Three inch incisions carved down at each wrist's base
It was a shot at sweet death, not just an attention case
But, her aunt walked in and saw all the blood red
And when she woke up, she was in a hospital bed"
^^ Wow. This is.. just wow. I love this stanza. LOVE it.
"Thinking it was for the best, they took her to a shrink
But, it only made her feel worse, pushed her to the brink
Her aunt had plenty of pills that was effortless to obtain
She ate two bottles of those and let her wrists drain"
^^ In the third line, "was" should be "were".
"So here she sits again, writing on the walls
Trying to stay strong but knowing she'll fall
The razorblade is calling but, she still restrains
She doesn't want to lose the control she's fought to obtained"
^^ In the fourth line, "obtained" should simply be "obtain". & "razor blade" is two words.
"She's scared to give him her trust and her whole heart
Scared that he'll devastate her, tear her back a part
She sits there with a sharpie but what you don't see
Is how much she really hurts and the fact that she's me..."
^^ Beautifully written ending to a wonderful poem.
Overall; I liked it a lot. Some of the stanza's really stood out to me, which is good. I thought the rhyming was great, as was your word choice. Excellent job. 5/5
WOW!! This poem brought tears to my eyes... This is excellent writing but its very sad... I read it out loud and was amazing... I was stuck for a few minutes, trying to be in your place, and feel your pain... It must of been awful but be strong and keep your head up and good luck with this guy...
I really hope he makes you happy and hope that he is there for you...
Keep your head up sweetie!