Comments : A Soldiers Poem (The Red, White and Blue)

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "When my Fiancee is handed her folded flag of glory,
    At my funeral after my farewell twenty-one gun salute,
    Tell her I died with honor and that her country is sorry,
    As we forever bleed, the red, the white and the blue."

    Very well-written, and this was very well-thought out. I loved the ending, you kept my attention the whole way, and I enjoyed reading your heartfelt words. There was such a good message spreading in this poem, and that last line up there, is perfectly worded, and really touches the hearts of others. Great work! Keep writing, always and forever....

  • 9 years ago

    by BREEawNUHH

    "You say we fight for the red, white and blue,
    That our people are this countries foundation,
    Like an empty photo album, we've nothing to view,
    Slowly becoming 3 colors rather than a nation."

    -- In the second line, "countries" should be "countrys", I think, because "countries" is plural. I could be wrong. Hm.. Also, I think you should spell out the word "three".

    "We stand side by side, were aligned in formation,
    All the while knowing our leader is unprotecting,
    Fighting for us, you're not part of our congregation,
    That pen in your right hand was built for dissecting."

    -- Wow. Strong words. It's very good, though, for sure. I think, though, in the first line, "were" should be "we're", right?

    "Don't lie to me George I fight for your false truth,
    Tell me why you had to knock down the towers,
    Plucked the seeds of our potential bloom of youth,
    To wage wars over something that was never ours."

    -- Hm. In the first line, you should add a comma after "me", and after "George".. "don't lie to me, George, I fight.." Other than that, this stanza is.. amazing to say the very least.

    "Preach about battle, but you've never been near one,
    Never held your best friend in your arms while he died,
    Still you've killed thousands behind a desk with no gun,
    Tell us you're proud when you don't know shit about pride."

    -- Wow. Your words in this piece are very strong, but I love that. I like that you're voicing your opinion and how you feel. So many people don't.

    "When my Fiancee is handed her folded flag of glory,
    At my funeral after my farewell twenty-one gun salute,
    Tell her I died with honor and that her country is sorry,
    As we forever bleed, the red, the white and the blue."

    -- Aw. I really liked this. It was a great way to end the piece. I love it.

    Overall; this is one of my favourites, for sure. Because it's honest, and you don't hold back. That's great. Five out of five. [5/5]

    ``Briana

  • 9 years ago

    by The Herald

    Though i don't share your political views, i must say, this piece evoked quite the image in me.

    "...As we forever bleed, the red, the white, and the blue."

    as if to say, the american flag is in us, and by killing us oversees, george bush is killing the us
    a VERY clever way to say that :)

    like briana, and im sure others before me have spoken, you didn't hold back, you said what you wanted and didn't care. I think that's really the whole point of poetry, to make others feel what you do, and to evoke images.

    (Both btw, your poem did perfectly: 5/5 :D)

  • 9 years ago

    by The Monster you Trust

    At this point, I'm not even sure why I bother reading your poems from beginning to end. I should know by now that they're all better than mine and I should just give up =P

    You told a story that we all know, and that many of us feel. Of course, it helps when you can rhyme flawlessly and execute a rhythm just as well. Very good write, 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by H E Losey

    A bit concerned over the title, at 19 are you now on active duty? If so resign. If not, I just wonder how you can write without a common core of experience( I put in 20 [1966~1987]).
    I noticed in my reading that there were places that could be smoothed out making it an easier read. It seems your metre/rhythm are off.
    Third stanza, who knocked down "the Towers" and what is "that was never ours"?

    Last stanza "salute" and "blue" are not a rhyme.
    As always an opinion.

  • 9 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    What a profound message about such a controversial topic. Glad to see you writing again. Great job! The flow and the message!

  • 9 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Mmm, the war is a terrible thing, the people fighting for there country honour us so much, wherever we come from.
    This was good
    x

  • 9 years ago

    by Nix

    This is truly powerful piece. I think that you should be proud on yourself for writing it, it contains some truly refreshing ideas and you expressed your message on cogent, direct way with a lot of emotions. Whole poem holds atmosphere which is touching. I enjoyed in this read. And I must say you quite impressed me with that ending. I admire that you put this piece into patriotic poems. And I agree with you message. Anyway, creative and powerful piece, well done!

  • 9 years ago

    by Minkus

    This is excellent. You are a master of rhyming poems with four lines per stanza, and this poem was very powerfully written, with fresh, well-chosen rhymes and a ton of emotion. Something to be proud of.