Baby, Hold Me And I'll Hold You

by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex   Aug 23, 2008


Definately not my best, but it's not horrible. :/.

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The tempations we give to our selves are too much. you're too much for me, that is.
The air's turning to coals with your fresh breath and I've forgotten what the meaning of living is. The innocence is ripping our breaths away
and I think I might like it this time.
Hold me, and I'll hold you.

This chill.. it's smothering my veins, but it's an inviting suffacation. I can feel your breath reaching around my shoulder, but I've forgotten which way to turn to find you.
I wouldn't trade this for the world.

I forgot to ask long ago if you liked the taste of being lost. You always seemed a wanderer to me, but it suits you so perfectly. Like the uninviting perfection that your breath doesn't awaken me with.
You're certainly not my perfection.

Baby, I wanted to remind you: I could hold you in my arms, but merely these words whispered in your mind and those arms around your waist; they're nothing compared to how much I could make you sway.
Teach me, baby, and I'll teach you.

Our temptations are moving the stars and the moon's getting jealous; he needs our love, but we promised him we'd be back after we're done. Of course, being the wanderers that you and I are, we'll stay trapped in these arms forever. And when we're done -- baby, hold me, and I'll hold you.

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  • 15 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "The tempations we give to our selves are too much. you're too much for me, that is."
    `Ourselves is one word, otherwise.. on a better note, great opening line, strong, got my attention! (:

    "The air's turning to coals with your fresh breath and I've forgotten what the meaning of living is. The innocence is ripping our breaths away "
    `Oh wow! I just loved the word-choice here. Innocence ripping our breaths away - I loved how you used the word ripping. I'm not sure why. I thought it was unique.

    "Our temptations are moving the stars and the moon's getting jealous;"
    `This was another line that really captured my attention. I just loved the way you worded it, the moon's getting jealous - I don't rarely ever hear that phrase, it really captured my attention.

    "baby, hold me, and I'll hold you."
    `Great last line. Loved how the title was included. It worked out perfectly.

    Overall, a really good write. I think that you could however tie more unique words into your poems. You do have some, but they don't completely blow me away or anything. The poem was interesting however though, and you had my attention throughout the whole poem. Your poems are unique and original in their own way though. I just thought maybe some more unique words could possibly make the poem better? Otherwise, great work. 5/5. (:

  • 15 years ago

    by Nikoshiana

    Love this, its brilliant

  • 15 years ago

    by Normal is the Watchword

    It's alright. First, the reader can tell it's a narration poem, in a way as though speaking to another person, so you can limit the amount of you's that are written in the poem. You also tell a lot and leave not much imagery for the reader to understand yet you have an odd line here and there that is a bit more profound then the rest of it such as, "I forgot to ask long ago if you liked the taste of being lost." SOmebody once said don't poke an eye with too many I's. Limit the amount you use to maybe one or two if that. DOn't limit yourself, if this isn't one of your bests then try and rework on it. YOu are repersenting you on this site after all and that is what matters with your work.

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