Comments : War

  • 8 years ago

    by Teria

    I really, really, really liked this poem. Though there are a lot of spelling mistakes and it's in paragraph form, it's quite nice. I'm going to paste what 'I THINK' it should look like in poetry form, but it does work like this as well. No matter what though, I suggest changing the spelling/grammatical errors

    After the horror,
    after the sights
    after the stammering
    gunfire in the night

    when it leaves a bitter taste
    as the land lyes in waste
    good soldiers become dammed
    with the enemys blood on their hands

    while death sweeps across the land
    a soldier stands with a gun in his hand
    thinking ... what have i done?
    as he sees the ground is redder
    than the sun

    he looks at himself
    he feels as he is to blame
    he sees there suffering
    he feels their pain

    as he looks in his head
    he remembers home his family
    the ones hes left alone
    and with a heavy heart
    he steps outside the warzone

  • 8 years ago

    by Kimberley

    Wow.... that was fabulous. i love it. really great job. 5/5. ~KM~

  • 8 years ago

    by Chocolate Addict

    The content of this poem is really captivating. War only leaves bloodshed. There is no glory in winning when you have killed thousands.

    While death sweeps across the land
    a Soldier stands with a gun in his hand
    thinking ... what have i done?
    as he sees the ground is redder
    than the Sun.

    ^^^ This stanza stood out for me. As the reader i can visualize your portrayal of blood that has covered the ground. I also like how you compare it to the color of the sun.

    Great Job

  • 8 years ago

    by Finding myself

    I can feel the war and the bullets pass my head. the last stanza hits hard though..

  • 8 years ago

    by Finding myself

    To add to the comment.. sorry i was rushed off the computer. i really like it its really good. im joining the military and this is a big fear for me.

  • 8 years ago

    by Nobodys Hero

    This is a really sad piece, i can imagine that this how most soilders feel when they see the carnage left behind them, Your wording was really good nd the rhyming flow was quite consistant =] You created the imagery in my head which kept me captivated al the way through, brilliant job!

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "After the horror,
    after the sights
    after the stammering
    gunfire in the night."

    Good opening and rhyming but the repeat of "after" three times kind of threw me off, but it was still good.

    "When it leaves a bitter taste
    as the land lyes in waste.
    Good Soldiers become dammed
    with the enemy's blood on their hands."

    Excellent imager, you have described so much and portrayed the horror of war, the destruction.

    "While death sweeps across the land
    a Soldier stands with a gun in his hand
    thinking ... what have i done?
    as he sees the ground is redder
    than the Sun."

    First line: Wow, what wording you have written here, this is such a vivid line.

    Third line: "i" should be "I".

    Fifh line: I would suggest adding "burning" before "Sun" just for better flow.

    "He looks at himself
    he feels as he is to blame
    he sees there suffering
    he feels their pain."

    Third line: "there" should be "their".

    Again, there are a lot of repeats here, I think you could have been a bit more creative, but still there was depth and emotion.

    "As he looks in his head
    he remembers home his Family
    the ones hes left alone.
    And with a heavy heart
    he steps outside the War Zone."

    First line: The wording here confused me a bit. Shouldn't it read: "As he looks in his mind"? Cause using "head" is the wrong term I think.

    Second line: Place a comma after "home". And "Family" does not need to be capitalized.

    Third line: "hes" should be "he's".

    The ending is very sad and heartbreaking. War is an awful thing I hope someday ceases.

    4/5 from me, a heartfelt write, just work on your grammar.

    Take care and God Bless!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 8 years ago

    by Hollow Emotion

    This poem is written very well. I wouldnt change a thing. the flow was great and the imagery was excellant... great job!

  • 8 years ago

    by Hollow Emotion

    This poem is written very well. I wouldnt change a thing. the flow was great and the imagery was excellant... great job!

  • 8 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    The structure and rhyme of this poem worked very well for me to deliver a thought provoking theme

  • 8 years ago

    by Kuro

    Wow, you did a good job capturing the feeling of regret. it's a shame that war has to be so terrible. it made me think of the emotional abuse each soldier has to deal with everyday.... specifically the Vietnam Veterans.

    Well Done
    ~Ben

  • 8 years ago

    by InfiniteChange

    It's quite captivating indeed, seemed a little soon to be over, but that is probably only a good thing as it's smooth because you did write a few paragraphs. I really liked it though, so 5/5.

  • 8 years ago

    by Love Panda

    Love it.

    After the horror,
    after the sights
    after the stammering
    gunfire {DURING THE} nights

    when it leaves a bitter taste
    {THIS ONCE PEACEFUL} land in waste
    good soldiers become dam{N}ed
    the enemys blood on their hands

    while death sweeps across the land
    soldier{S} stands with a gun{S} in {THERE} hand
    {ONE STOPS}think{S} ... what have i done?
    as he sees the ground is redder than the sun

    he looks at himself
    {FEELING HE IS THE ONE TO} blame
    he sees there suffering
    {AND}he feels their pain

    {MEMORYS POUR INTO} his head
    he remembers home, his family
    the ones hes left alone
    and with a heavy heart
    he steps outside the {DEATH}warzone

    ^added some things in {} that i think ties in better. i love this poem, its so touching and real. it would be nice if you could add another stanza in there somewhere saying "he can taste blood in his mouth" or something and something about surviving, great job though.

    i have a friend who is home from the army, he was sent to irak and i thank god he came home alive. though its hard for him to live now..he was in the middle of a conversation to one of his friend squadies when he was shot in the head.my friend still replays it in his head all the time, and i just want to take his pain away - i cant, i will never be able to.this poem reminds me of him..

    IBE
    X

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    I can see alot of thought went into this piece. Reall good job, 5/5. Em

  • 8 years ago

    by Hrodwyn

    Hey I like this poem cuz it is full of meaning n has a tru ring 2 it! It has a few spelling mistakes in it bt apart frm that it is very good.

  • 8 years ago

    by Hrodwyn

    Hey I like this poem cuz it is full of meaning n has a tru ring 2 it! It has a few spelling mistakes in it bt apart frm that it is very good.

  • 7 years ago

    by Jayde

    This is exactly why soldiers get ptsd. i live next to ft hood and have had many soldiers tell me it went just like that. you did an awesome job in much fewer words.