A mistake i cant regret

Over all our talks and all the time,
ive come to realize ive fallen in love.
I gave you something i cant ever get back,
and the way you acted should be a crime.

You acted as if we barely knew each other,
you left me so confused,
you couldnt even tell me how you really felt.
you became a best friend, a brother, and a lover.

Yet you left me alone to think the worst,
you distanced yourself from me,
didnt call anymore and lost all contact.
you are someone i love and always my first.

And even though you made me cry
i cant let go, i guess i really do love you.
my heart aches for you, and my tears cry for you,
but looks can be deceiving, i pretend im alright.

I wont show my tears, or how broken i truly am
i wont give you that privilege to see me hurt,
to see me hurt over you is a crime i will not commit.
the tears and memories will be put in a bottle and thrown in the ocean to be forever lost with the sand.

I am too prideful to admit how much i miss you,
and too proud too ask for a shoulder to cry on.
I will lock you away in the deepes parts of my mind
and throw away the key, i will start new.

So yes, i love you and i still need you here
but i wont ask for you to come back,
You were my first for love, my first everything
and now i sit crying silently in my own fear.

My fear that i will never find anyone for me
a fear that someone will see my true weakness.
a fear that someone might want to mend my broken heart. a fear that i will never be free.

Ill never be free of this feeling
the feeling of heartache and silent screams.
the worst part with heartbreak is that my heart still beats, it lives throught it, still moving, still reeling.