Comments : Sick Part One

  • 9 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I really think the reps added to the poem driving home the world of sick twist
    i kind of hung on this line making it so light nor dark
    it is well within poetic license
    but I could not help but try to imagine several alternatives
    making it so light not dark
    or making it not so light nor dark

    anyway it is a five as far as I am concerned

  • 9 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    I will try to renew your faith in humanity with a free comment.

    First off, I liked the title. It could mean so many things that it lured me in to reading it.

    Throughout the poem, I like how you comapre and contrasted everything you wrote about. Like taking something good and twisting it around into something negative. I love the flow throughout, but the repetition got to me. I understand that the repetition was meant to reinforce to meaning of the poem, but I think it was too overwhelming. This was true on the "And watch as ..." lines as well. Repetition is good to a certain extent, but I thought the lines were too short and close together to be used.

    On the other hand, I also like toward the end of the poem how you went from positive to negative statement to just negative statements.

    The last line was a great line to close on too!

    I think you have a good basis for a great poem, but the repetition turned me off from the poem.

    It was still a good poem overall though!

  • 9 years ago

    by Krathia

    A very moving poem. There are some truly heartfelt elements in this poem; a lot of the words are genuine even to the reader (as often, they're only real to the writer). I noticed one thing in particular: you've done excellent last verses for each stanza. For each new idea you bring with the poem, the third verse always hit with a pang, or with a poignant sting. Also, there are a few very lyrical word "marriages" here: melancholic aftermath/twilight.

    The 4-lined stanza in the middle was amazing. The first and last line blew me away.
    "And watch as every tear is never spoken, never said,"
    I think everyone knows what this feels like, be it unrequited love, friendship, or simply longing. There are some things, too many things that we yearn to scream out, but we must shut them in for everyone's sake, including, perhaps, our own. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. This was, in my opinion, the best line in the poem.

    I'm not overly fond of the ending, but you should keep it the way it is if you feel that it's right. I understand that a poem can be a milestone in a person's life, be it the writer, or the reader. If you've come to accept a fact, or have discovered a new one in writing this, then keep the ending, because it's not for the reader to decide.

    So great work; it was a touching read. Keep writing!

  • I like how you expressed youself.i wish i new why the world was like this why people do what they do i know what it feels like when people do what they do but you did good keep it up im looking forward to reading more of you poems 5/5 you have made my favorite list

  • 9 years ago

    by RoseBlood

    I am in the middle of a heartbreak, and depression is overhelming me...and your poem just made all those tears I have been hiding fall down like raindrops. This is one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read. And I wish there was a grade higher than 5 to give you.
    The new world is perfect, but I just don't know how love gets stronger by depression and tears.
    But who knows, may be you're right?
    Excellent work. 5/5.

  • 8 years ago

    by kelleyana

    I think too much repetitions turns off this poems, especially you use it with rhyming, so again thats the onlything i did not like much. Overall it was a good poem.

  • 8 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Okay so I figured if I am going to read part two I should read part one first, so here I am. I must admit, at first glance, I thought this was going to be horrible due to the amount of repetition; however, you proved me wrong. I really liked how you manovered your wording so that it was saying the same thing, but slightly different. It was set up as before, during, and after, to a certian degree.

    The messege within this piece was very evident that this was close to you at the time of writing. Everything you said here I can agree on and I'm sure many others can and will too.

    Overall a wonderful write, keep up the great work.

    Peace, Joe

  • 8 years ago

    by Hollow Emotion

    I really liked the emotion and power words you put into this. It definetly puts a new view on society not being perfect, as some may think it is. This world if far from perfect, and you showed it well with your invigorating words. Nice Job!