The Breeze Is Ours

by - Mr. Darcy   May 25, 2009


Cascading f
................a
.................l
.................l
................s roll over lonely rocks,
Rocks where once a meadow thrived,
Such lushness now sways behind my eyes.

'Never cast a tear my dear'

Hand in hand we danced and became lost,
Lost in each others hearts,
Helplessly, forever and unashamed
Spirits swirl across the plain.

'Never cast a tear my dear'

Then came the clouds and the sky reddened,
Reddened, and then blackened with relentless tar.
Green became yellow and no more did we sway.
Our dreams stolen and blown away

'Never cast a tear my dear'

Scattered on the wind I cry for you..

(I can't help it)

Wait..

I can feel your sweet breath caress me.

............ up we dance again.
..........g
........n
.......i
....s
..i
R

'Never cast a tear my dear..
For our love sways with the breeze'

M. Moran
25.05.09
22.10

Inspired by Melissa -http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/misc/poems.php?id=1118461

5


Did You Like This Poem?

Latest Comments

  • 8 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    WoW! I love this poem! It's not only beautiful but it is so unique and original! I love how you structured it and it fit in perfectly with the poem! The meaning is just as beautiful... I especially loved the lines:
    "Hand in hand we danced and became lost,
    Lost in each others hearts,
    Helplessly, forever and unashamed
    Spirits swirl across the plain."

    Lovely poem! Great job :)

  • 8 years ago

    by The Prince

    Nice structure, you pulled it off.

    'roll over lonely rocks,'

    How can something plural be lonely? If you're going with that image then explore the image a bit more and open up the language. 'Lonely' is an overused word.
    I have a problem with how 'lushness' can 'sway'.

    ''Never cast a tear my dear''

    Could be considered cliche and I find that how the narrator is suddenly addressing someone isn't as disquieting since you used the speech marks. Hit and miss for me though.

    'Hand in hand we danced and became lost,
    Lost in each others hearts,
    Helplessly, forever and unashamed
    Spirits swirl across the plain.'

    You can't shake the cliche of those first two lines away really. It's been said before too many times. Perhaps a bit too fantasy for my liking though I liked that third line. It stood out and I can't put my finger on why.

    'and then blackened with relentless tar.'

    Didn't like this though, it's one of those images that seems like a good idea but in hindsight it's too clunky and overstating.

    'I can feel your sweet breath caress me.'

    Caress could be replaced since it's one of those tacky words that make love poems sickly.

    ............ up we dance again.'
    ..........g
    ........n
    .......i
    ....s
    ..i
    R'

    Well done on that though, nice on the eyes.

    The ending was a bit too trite for me but I suppose it works in the context of the rest of the poem.

    Not your best but I'm not a big love poem fan so that could probably be why.

  • 8 years ago

    by JAZMIN

    The idea and the creativity in this is great! I love the structure on it!
    Great job!!

  • 8 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    I liked the structure, that was creative however, I think the rhyming is forced and many lines are cliche. The wording was simple and not very creative or unique.

  • 8 years ago

    by Timothy r

    What a great way to write a poem, and for inspiration, you couldn`t do much better, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Timothy r