Comments : One perfect song - for shalane

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "She is the melody
    A gentle note sweet in sound
    Moving gracefully through the airwaves
    With delicate steps, poise and balance"

    This was a perfect opening, wouldn't change a thing. I loved how you wrote "airwaves" and that last line was so detailed and stunning.

    "She plays beautifully, precise and flawless
    Melting the heart with each citation
    A master of her art
    A genuine wonder to behold"

    The wording here really grabs the reader, it so deep and intrigues the reader to keep reading on.

    "She never fails to move me"

    This line alone was powerful, I was really expecting something like "amaze" instead of "move", so this surprised me, nice work!

    "Such joy I cannot withhold
    So I lift my voice to accompany hers
    And I sing for all it's worth

    Maybe for just an audition, but nevertheless
    To join in, even for a moment in her endless song
    Her masterpiece that is all she is
    And all that she would become"

    This was beautiful, very expressive and meaningful. The only thing was in the third line I felt like you used "she" and "her" too much, and the wording was not the best, it just didn't read smoothly. Otherwise, I have no other suggestions at all. Keep up the impressive work...

    Take care and God bless you, Child of God!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 8 years ago

    by Deana

    A very moving tribute to someone obviously very special. You bring the feeling of her voice to life! Excellent!

  • 8 years ago

    by The Queen

    Oh my God...I was reading this book last night about romance and stuff and this piece only added intensity of how fascinated i am of love right now...I could feel the yellow butterflies flying inside my stomach..The sincerity of your feelings was greatly portrayed here..The words flawlessly touched readers heart...I could actually imagine you watching her playing the piano while singing but this time i have to create the background and it would have to be somewhat a dark room full of candles and you two dressed in some high vintage custumes..haha..i really loved this one..im melting..

  • 8 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    She is the melody

    *I thik this line is so sweet :) It's the perfect way to start a poem*

    A gentle note sweet in sound
    Moving gracefully through the airwaves
    With delicate steps, poise and balance

    *The way you describe the notes makes me feel like you are talking about someone dancing. It's so softly written and I love the image your words give me.*

    She plays beautifully, precise and flawless
    Melting the heart with each citation
    A master of her art
    A genuine wonder to behold

    *Wow...that was flawless.What you just wrote is what you should say about this stanza. I wouldn't change anything. I feel like you have really dear feelings for this girl and you express them so clearly here*

    She never fails to move me

    *You're writing moves me ;) *

    Such joy I cannot withhold
    So I lift my voice to accompany hers
    And I sing for all it's worth

    *I like this part. It's simple but you get your point across*

    Maybe for just an audition, but nevertheless
    To join in, even for a moment in her endless song
    Her masterpiece that is all she is

    *Hmmm I'd change this to "Masterpiece...that is all she is" That seems too flow better to me. *

    And all that she would become

    *This was a really good poem and I loved reading it. I don't read many love poems but this one was brillant. Keep it up hun. Nik*

  • 8 years ago

    by dollwithafrown

    "She is the melody
    A gentle note sweet in sound
    Moving gracefully through the airwaves
    With delicate steps, poise and balance..."

    ^^ This was a perfect opening. The fact the narrator states that the person being spoken about [is] the melody is so beautiful. It gives great importance to the person; the fact that they are so stunning, so beautiful, that they bring the music, the heart, to this piece.

    "And I sing for all it's worth..."

    ^^ I loved this line. It's showed that the narrator (yourself?) is trying their hardest to live up to the beauty of the other person (a dancer, I believe?) and isn't quite sure whether they can compare. I got that impression, anyway, from the '...all it's worth' phrasing.

    This was truly a beautiful piece. Vivid images, beautiful wording. I could picture the entire scene in my head.

    Lovely. :)

  • 7 years ago

    by Niveus Nox

    Grace and peace to you from God.

    Personally, I greatly enjoy reading love poems that incorporate the arts in its story. Those first two stanzas are very elegant and graceful. Absolutely gorgeous!

    Would you be interested in co-writing a poem with me sometime?

  • 7 years ago

    by Niveus Nox

    If you're interested, send me a pm.

  • 6 years ago

    by ang3lbbii

    Wow! i liked it...!!! (:

  • 6 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Overall a wonderful write; however, there are a few minor things that you can do to improve upon it. For one, use punctuation. Two, don't use a lot of filler words. Here I'll give you an example of the first stanza:

    "She is the melody
    A gentle note sweet in sound
    Moving gracefully through the airwaves
    With delicate steps, poise and balance"

    This could easily be better read with some punctuation and some minor changes in the wording...

    'She is the melody,
    gentle; sweet in sound.
    Gracefully moving airwaves
    delicately, balanced and poised.'

    Other than the above stated and my example, this was a well thought out piece, keep up the good work.

    Peace, Joe

  • 6 years ago

    by Joseph Boadi

    Wow this is flawless.