Comments : Forever Sore

  • 8 years ago

    by Minkus

    From tall trees to endless pit
    Our lives change faster than ever
    The fall is what you can't defeat
    To rise one must be wise and clever

    Overlooking facts which matter the most
    While undertaking such agony and pain
    Inhabited inside of me, for him I am the host
    This demonic force, My crimson red stain

    Once lived inside a breathing shell
    Blood flowed from a heart of passion
    Waking each morning, to a brand new hell
    No longer feeling any signs of attraction

    Of all the years I've known and past
    Only the last made my heart frail
    For not sure how long can I last
    In this bloody fight of no avail

    No longer lingering on a high throne
    Now drowning in a mighty blood-like war
    My life once again lost, no longer my own
    For time has left me, forever sore

    As an overall thought, I didn't think the diction and phrasing was creative enough to justify the looseness of the meter. It didn't really roll off the tongue or have the driving rhythm like some poems do. On the other hand, it totally got the point across; I'm quite sure I understand the meaning of the poem (which was that a breakup or a series of them has left you feeling that romance is a war that you're done fighting. There also seems to be a more general sense of life being painful and stale.) I'm going to say 4/5.

  • 8 years ago

    by paige

    Gorgeous piece x

  • 8 years ago

    by CaptainTyingKnots

    5

  • 8 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    First line, i thought the PIT should be plural to match the use of TREES; either they should both be singular or plural. Minor detail, but worth mentioning. I think the PIT / DEFEAT rhyme was too forced here. Either rhyme them all or none, buy these lines did not ryhme very well and it affected the flow some.

    I liked the second stanza a little better than the first, it helped to set the mood of the poem better. I didnt like the repetition in the last line here, CRIMSON RED STAIN. Crimson is a shade of red, i would not use both crimson and red. I thought that you could use another adjective instead of using RED, maybe MY LIQUID CRIMSON STAIN.

    Moving to the third stanza, i thought that more of the story should have been revealved here. Readers can tell that your in pain over SOMETHING, but you need to keep the readers attention by continualing revealing hints as to what is causing the pain. I couldnt tell if it was a lost love, whether you had a bad day or your cat got ran over. This is the halfway point of the poem and i couldnt tell what the basis of the write was.

    In the closing lines, i did not care for the MY LIFE ONCE AGAIN LOST line. You can only lose your life once and this line confused me a little. I had to re-read the previous lines to see if i missed something.

    Overall, the poem seemed incomplete. While the poem was good, i could never tell what it was about. Are you upset about a specific event from your life, like a lover that you lost, or are you depressed in general. I think that you should add a specific event to the poem that is causing the pain.

    I did like that it seemed a little random too. You didnt force it to conform to a specific timeline or even a specific train of thought. I could tell that the thoughts randomly flowed from your mind to the paper. I do think that you have some good LINES here, but it seems like a exert from a larger poem. Maybe add a few more stanza in-between the ones that you have to clean up the imagery.

  • 8 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I enjoyed reading this

  • 6 years ago

    by Yrem Crish

    Great work..deep and emotional..keep up the good work-=)