Comments : And What A Tragedy It Would Be If I Lay Among the Dead Men

  • 7 years ago

    by MERCY is never shown

    Wow.... I must say i loved it i thought of as i read it a morbid twist on beauty and the beast but it held so much more than that the way you broke down such a simple feeling and displayed it so visually was a great feat the misguided man and poor soul being the armored knight in all of us was by far my favorite comparison you did a great job even if you say your a bit rusty writing must be a natural talent because i can see very little wrong in this and those are petty mistakes of no concern good job

  • 7 years ago

    by No Need For A Name

    The pointless and senseless ramblings within this piece are directionless and self-indulgent. With zero structure, there is no flow to be found, which doesn't help the complete lack of solid wording. Repitition in many works can be useful, while here it seems to add to the heavy wording used for te sake of using. This is poorly written, poorly thought out, and poorly developed all together.

    Peace and prosperity,

    (RKD)

  • 7 years ago

    by Spirit

    Ok.
    In reading this poem I instantly understood that it is not witten to be read. Just as Shakespear was not written to be read. This poem that you submitted was written to be preformed.
    This is how I know this.
    While reading your poem I felt and overflow of emotions that would be better expressed with hand movments rather than words. You found yourself coming back to the same words inorder to try and get your point across. I found that you repeated a few sayings and thus I got lost in what you were trying to say.
    Try re-reading this poem with the stanzas reversed, (that's what I do when I want to change things.)
    Does this poem have potential? yes
    but your not there "with this poem" just yet.
    Let inspiration come to you, don't force it.
    Thank you for the read, and I look forward to your views on what I can improve.
    >~Spirit~>

  • 7 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    3.5 ?
    I would like to start commenting by pointing out something u maybe already know
    down voting this writing is but the 1st proof to how GOOD it is..

    U have really really a creative mind, that weaves some amazing amazing images and
    create lines that makes the readers open their eyes widely.

    I have loved each single line ..what an image nation u got , i felt so much interested in ur work..I dnt see many good poets anymore over here,..they dnt exceed 40..out of all the members..but no bet am adding u to the list.

    keep writing
    it just suits u !5/5

  • 7 years ago

    by jescelle

    Beautiful and moving!
    This piece caught me in every emotion you described. I loved how you said it would be a selfish prayer... It was the first key to building this into a hopeful rather than hopeless ending to a relationship; as if while you would rather embrace death then that pain, you also know your own importance. So I absolutely loved that part :)

    You asked for some constructive criticism, and while I can't find much, I'll try :)
    "And what a tragedy it would encounter if I lay dead among the worst of men." This lost me a little... Unless you just accidentally missed a word (I do that sometimes lol), it had me wondering what "it" is that's encountering you laying among the worst of men...

    "So, I wish not that my heart stops beating, but yet that I stop breathing -
    "Oh, but on the contrary my dear! That too would land you here," the poor misguided man reminded me.
    So, I wish not that my heart stops beating, but that the world stops turning" I think it's important to lace these three together. First you say you wish your heart stopped beating, then that you stop breathing, and lastly that the world would stop turning. So in the last line here, it would impact the reader more to say "So, I wish not that I stop breathing, but that the world stops turning."

    I didn't mind it much, but some might: The repetitive usage of describing your friend as your 'newfound friend who is also a misguided man'. It didn't get in the way of your message at all like no name was trying to say... But if you wanted to move that repetition to the ending when we all realize who he really was it could pack a bigger punch... Although I'm not sure how that would be done, but I'm sure you'll find a way. Your very talented after all!

    Thank you for sharing this, it will be a comfort for anyone going through this right now. If I could have had this during my last break up, I would have been able to pick myself up faster. 5/5! Never stop writing! :)
    Jescelle

  • 5 years ago

    by Khalid

    Good job. I think this should belong to the sad category since it inckudes some frustration.
    I enjoyed the reading. Keep writing.