Definitely very interesting...you had loads of metaphors to bring the piece together here. I honestly wasn't a huge fan of the tons of s words to begin the poem, but I understand how you were trying to use a poetic device there. I guess it caught me off guard, but in a good way.
ashy kisses on our mouths
from campfired marshmallows
as we watched the night sky
turn towards the sea
would do little.
Snuffed candles would not conceal the '
^Would do little what?! I feel like the thought is detached here because it goes into the next few lines which are completely separate. I think it breaks the thought, & plus I'm not entirely sure you would meant by it...would do little, what? I feel like you're missing something here, could just be me.
Otherwise, brilliant work...I love pieces that lure me in with interesting metaphors. Well done
Ok for some reason I interpret the repeated stanza 'let us die..' in a way such that to die means to make love. Perhaps to make love without reproducing is a certain kind of death. But I know you're looking at what I'm writing like I'm crazy :)
A little more awkward and befuddling than your usual writes, but as always - good stuff.
To die... Hmmmm.. death of the relationship?
A brilliant write girl..! and that has nothing to do with us being in the same club. I agree with the above comment, you are a poets poet,
Your poems have always been a joy to read and this poem deserves much attention, It is not full of unneeded flowery metaphors yet has such depth and passion. What helped make this poem so good for me was the naming of the 4 moles, Jenkins, Harlow, Bertie, Blob, It gives the poem so much more humanity, personalized (if that makes sense, which it probably doesn't, but I know what I mean...).It made me laugh and brings the reader closer to you, that we can almost see those moles.....Anyway i'm starting to dribble.....
Congrats on your win its way overdue..