Comments : Let us not die peacefully

  • 8 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Interesting poem, I love the mix of the word choice you chose,
    and am a free versed poems lover and I found enjoyment reading this one ..

    Please, let us die
    like galaxies, flashing
    with the explosions of stars,
    blowing themselves apart.

    Nice images, I love the creative side u have,
    but can u add a word b4 apart ?
    an adjective would make it
    more affective ..

    5/5 :)

  • 8 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Definitely very had loads of metaphors to bring the piece together here. I honestly wasn't a huge fan of the tons of s words to begin the poem, but I understand how you were trying to use a poetic device there. I guess it caught me off guard, but in a good way.

    ashy kisses on our mouths
    from campfired marshmallows
    as we watched the night sky
    turn towards the sea

    would do little.
    Snuffed candles would not conceal the '
    ^Would do little what?! I feel like the thought is detached here because it goes into the next few lines which are completely separate. I think it breaks the thought, & plus I'm not entirely sure you would meant by it...would do little, what? I feel like you're missing something here, could just be me.

    Otherwise, brilliant work...I love pieces that lure me in with interesting metaphors. Well done

  • 8 years ago

    by Jad

    I really liked the way you came about this poem as in the style in which you wrote it. I could feel the emotions throughout the poem beating within each line as I read.

    "Let us not leave
    silently, head
    shakingly, shoulder
    shruggingly, hearts
    sighingly. Sombre holy water,
    sprinkled over those"

    This one part in the poem was so outstanding. The imagery and sadness pours from this line so beautifully. Good job and keep writing.

  • 8 years ago

    by silvershoes

    Ok for some reason I interpret the repeated stanza 'let us die..' in a way such that to die means to make love. Perhaps to make love without reproducing is a certain kind of death. But I know you're looking at what I'm writing like I'm crazy :)
    A little more awkward and befuddling than your usual writes, but as always - good stuff.
    To die... Hmmmm.. death of the relationship?

  • 8 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    I have never read anything by you, Abby...I am glad I became a judge and made myself a promise to read all poems on the list, for I like what I am reading!

    Let us die like the day,
    glorious and blinding.

    Let us die like demons,
    bloody and snarling,
    heroic and doomed.

    Please, let us die
    like galaxies, flashing
    with the explosions of stars,
    blowing themselves apart.

    Amen to that! I like the fire inside of you, that makes you write these words. You are a poet's poet:)

    Excellent work,

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 8 years ago

    by Nicko

    A brilliant write girl..! and that has nothing to do with us being in the same club. I agree with the above comment, you are a poets poet,
    Your poems have always been a joy to read and this poem deserves much attention, It is not full of unneeded flowery metaphors yet has such depth and passion. What helped make this poem so good for me was the naming of the 4 moles, Jenkins, Harlow, Bertie, Blob, It gives the poem so much more humanity, personalized (if that makes sense, which it probably doesn't, but I know what I mean...).It made me laugh and brings the reader closer to you, that we can almost see those moles.....Anyway i'm starting to dribble.....
    Congrats on your win its way overdue..


  • 8 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    OFFCOURSE u won..congratulations and no bet I expect another achievement..

    anything is possible with u.. "abracadabra"