Cupping the water in my palms, i splash a new day all over my face, reality hits me at 7:05 and falls on the surrounding sink and floor. puddles of success and I want my bed's surround my toes.
i raise my head and thank my sullen eyes for giving me a couple hours or real shut eye that night
some days, its harder than others.
a world that brainwashes and distorts its children with intent to gain, gain, gain. and i am the product, insecure and underwhelmed.
but i keep the pills in their place now. out of my stomacher. they no longer infect my ability to an anxious freak, depressing my every muscle and brain function.
a zombie - i will not be
but instead i will greet this day with organic and sober feelings, yes, sober human....hate.....or hope
i brush my bleeding gums with impatience and poisoned toothpaste. i rinse my mouth out with the same fluoride infected water. i give a less then genuine smile and realize, I'm now 22, and i am pointless.
i ask myself "where can i get the pep that girl at work seems to always have a supply of, how the F is she so happy?"
with teeth grinding and fists clenched, i admit honestly to myself, i couldn't be that girl if my pathetic life depended on it.
with feet that wont seem to lift up for take off i slump along the floor to pick up my dirty jeans and try to squeeze them over my hips.
i put on a shirt and you know what? i crash.
some days are too much.
some days, i give up!
OK world, here i am! you win! i am consumed, and now i want to be extinguished.
some days the corner of my boyfriends room, in his mothers house holds more promise than the front door. I'm not agoraphobic, I'm not bi-polar, I'm not Dependant, I'm not fat, I'm not a supermodel, I'm not a punk, I'm not a cheerleader, I'm not a professional, I'm not this worlds lab rat and i dint fit into a box that can be checked, and they wonder why i struggle with confusion as to who the hell i am!?!
these labels and divisions and sub genres are crippling this back bone and clarity of a beautiful woman, that i am, and i seek but cannot find because i cannot stamp a suitable label on her neck.
no i will not be scannable come 2020.
i will always bleed and resist.
I am 22 and lovely. I am overwhelmed with the possibility of saving the youth and feeding the hungry. I am poor in the dollars that hold no value to my God, but i am rich in the holy spirit, that is infesting my being. I have far too many flaws when held under America's next top model's magnifying glass, "you wouldn't fit in here, or quite in this category" but thank GOD i fit into this beautiful canyon, on top of a rock right into my boyfriends wings span. I am about to be 23 and maybe a little too much love in this heart, but just the perfect amount of angst and ambition to keep me questioning.
when does the idea of "meant to save the world" crash onto your shore "GET MOVING" because you are meant to shake this world. we are meant to save each other, an uplifting hand holding its neighbors. the circle of life does not know borders or race, weight or the tax bracket you fall under.
i believe we can save, sewing the seeds of compassion and understanding into the very fibers of the next generation.
