Grasp of Air

Wow this poem was really good. So good infact I read it twice. I loved how you built up the poem from being on the edge of deth to actually going over.

I cannot find anything to critique in this piece so 5/5

Hey girl! Sorry about taking a while to comment on one for your poems but here goes!

Firstly, I’d like to start with the title of your poem. I liked it because even though it insinuates a moment of struggle, it does not give away what your poem is about. It immediately caught my attention because I wanted to know what it was about!

“It's really cold in here
The place is pitch black
There's no light near
Am I a victim of a hijack ?”

To be honest, I wasn’t totally convinced about this stanza because observing the rest of your poem, I feel that you could have made this dark. Having said that, I do feel that with this stanza you create the platform for a very dark poem indeed!

“Quietness surrounds this place
But I hear some voices around
They were looking for a trace
Am I lost to be found ?”

This stanza got my attention. With your choice of words you have the reader wondering what is going on! So well done for attracting the readers attention and keeping it! The last line, “Am I lost to be found?” I absolutely LOVED! I found myself stopping to read that line over and over again. It is just so deep! In the context of the poem it is quite straight forward but before I knew what the poem was about, these six words posed quite a philosophical dilemma! I honestly think you could write a whole poem based on that line alone! How inspiring, truly inspiring!!

“I can barely feel anything
I lost all of my body heat
Nothing is keeping me clinged
Even my heart has failed to beat”

This stanza is interesting because you’re already telling the reader what is happening in the poem, it sounds metaphorical for feelings but it is not. I liked that. There are a few mistakes, grammatically speaking here such as “I lost,” should be “I’ve/I have lost.” Either way, it is still good!

“What's taking them so long ?
Can't they hear my cries ?
I can't pretend that I'm still strong
I'm failed by all of my tries”

This stanza really does convey the struggle that person is going through and the reader can relate to the level of desperation in this one. Very well conveyed indeed!

“I fight for a grasp of air
I think this breath is my last
This pain I cannot bear
My soul is ready now to pass”
The ending of your poem is what I like most. I think out of the entire poem this is the most poetic stanza. I like the dark words you use like pain, soul, grasp. Very effective. I absolutely loved that you were talking about dying all along. It is a good twist because it felt like you were talking about loneliness or depression.

Overall I really liked this poem. I think you did a really good job that kept the reader interested all along. Well done!! 5/5!

Your write was chilling and wonderfully dark. I love the mysterious beginning and the wonder of where it's going. Super write
Connie

Dnt knw wen u l write one wid me..5/5 agn..

Awwww. such a great piece you have written.. i can say its my favorite and its my poems of the month..