Comments : Petal Gallivanting

  • 12 years ago

    by Decayed

    Brilliant poetry, Timothy :)

    Your style is extraordinary.

  • 12 years ago

    by Karla

    Timothy, Abed is right.You are a talent.

  • 12 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    You're not only a talented poet but one that has his own style. That is always a plus.

    A fluid poem, well worded and original

  • 12 years ago

    by Saerelune

    So here I am, as promised. :)

    I think I have found myself a poet of the darkness, that's very rare. I could count a handful of them on this site. Maybe less. It's the specific eerie tone I am talking about, and the twisted approach on normal matters. If you've listened to the song I told you about, then perhaps you'd understand what I mean when I tell someone he/she's a poet of the darkness.

    So, let's say that alone has already pulled me further into this poem.

    Gallivanting - interesting choice of word. It sounds medieval compared to "jazzing around" and less romantic than "roaming" or "wandering". It's the perfect choice for this theme. Though I actually feel you're being a bit repetitive in your first stanza, the first two lines at least:

    "Leisurely she wanders"
    ^ Doesn't seem necessary, and it's not the most captivating opening line.

    "tiptoeing, gallivanting and"
    ^ Whereas this, is much more specific, not to mention that these two verbs already bring a certain emotion with them. "tiptoeing" being light, and easy-going, while "gallivanting" is dark. No need for any adverbs here, and it works perfectly fine.

    "seeking for something newborn,
    sweating humorously in the turf."
    ^ I loved this. I like the contrast between fresh (newborn) and dirty (sweat), and the touch of lightness, like an after-image of tiptoeing. Although you're not describing much of the surroundings here, I could sense a bit of it. This reminds me of a shaded forest. It's not necessarily the images you paint, it's the images you suggest.

    "She dribbles after smiling
    unaware yet so entranced."
    ^ I think you could do without the "so" here.

    I like where you're going after these lines. The poem seems to become much more symbolical, but that's fine as it fits the atmosphere. It's within these next six lines that one truly begins to recognise that specific tone I was talking about.

    By the way, not sure if this was intentional: "any more" < spaced out. I liked how that sounded, pausing after "any".

    "A portrait of her uncle sits
    by the bedside; in the bedsit"
    ^ It was hard for me to just switch over to this part, it seems very sudden, not as smooth as the shift of concrete imagery unto symbolical (as stated before). Though these lines are neatly written, I think they need some sort of prelude.

    "women chat and further malarkey with
    stained bed sheets creased in mosaic patterns."
    ^ A bit torn about "mosaic patterns". I guess I would've left out "patterns" since everyone basically has an idea of the mosaic, being in patterns. It leaves the imagery a bit empty and not so spoon-feeded. But I could already see people arguing with me that "bed sheets creased in mosaic" wouldn't make sense (literally).

    "She spans far left and sights the cliffs;
    they're silent, mute like watercolour's cousin
    and miniature in size, like myrtle green soldiers
    that weep in cupboards and dance the purple."
    ^ Seems this stanza is perfectly in tune with the rest of the poem again. Reading this, it kind of emphasizes the feeling that the previous stanza is a bit out of place.
    To me, this part is much more modern. Its objects, its image. Yet it doesn't matter because the feelings blends well with the rest of the poem. This bit seems a bit prosy but I think the abstractness balances everything.

    "So easily, she found it
    spontaneously and crimson-handed.
    Quietly balancing upon the sweaty-misty
    Tightrope."
    ^ The flow here is a bit off. Especially the second/third line. I suggest cutting down a few syllables. Adverbs are the tricksters here, they tend to be long and have these fast-paced monotonous sounds.

    "It whispered, tickled her ear
    and sniggered like child-play."
    ^ That's beautiful. A mix of innocence and sinisterness. Perfectly fitting to the overall feeling of the poem.

    So, as I already told you before, I was very attracted to this poem and its subject. You have talent and you have some unique thoughts wandering about your mind, the only thing you'd have to watch is your consistency. Be it imagery, tone, or flow.

    Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem of yours (and more). It's a refreshing read and deserving of the front page. Just some tweaks here and there would make it perfect. Well done!

  • 12 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    Leisurely she wanders
    tiptoeing, gallivanting

    ^^This opening stanza has a bewitching pull to it that it just draws the reader into the poem. A picture of a girl leisurely tiptoeing and gallivanting gives a mysterious feel..liked this!

    seeking for something newborn,

    ^^I like this line. Have not read a sentence like this to say seeking for something newborn..something innocent and fresh and thus searching for something deeper..very well penned!

    She dribbles after smiling
    unaware yet so entranced.

    ^^I could visualize an innocent girl entranced and dancing not giving any care about the place she is in. This draws the reader into a more mysterious place about what is happening!

    Then she danced the dance of witches;
    the sacred, purple dance.

    ^^Now this really sets the picture clear. Your words are very vivid giving the reader an interesting read..excellent write!
    Congrats on the win :)

  • 12 years ago

    by Nicko

    A well written, interesting poem from a new poet to the site. This poem is unique and has a richness and maturity which belies the poets age. It has excellent word usage for example "Malarkey" and a depth which is refreshing. Its irreverent and ILoved the title, well done