There is raw emotion behind this piece .. A story that has led to such a sad poem.
Beautiful job. 5/5
6 years ago
by Purple Rose
Welcome back, Xanthe :)
I have a simple question...why is this in the miscellaneous section? When I read it, it seemed like a sad poem to me more than a miscellaneous one...however, it is your poem and I am just wondering why it is here...
I consider it one of your best because it holds so much emotion in it - I consider emotion to be one of the main ingredients to a perfect poem...so this is one that I consider perfect.
"I miss the winter"
^ Usually winter is not a thing to be missed by people so I thought that this was a peculiar beginning. Winter is a time of death in my area, and spring is usually where things are reborn. I just thought it was interesting, but there might be another meaning behind it that I am not catching.
I just wanted to say that we miss you, Xanthe. We hope you come back soon. I am sorry for your loss, and just know that you have a family who is waiting for you here :) Come back whenever you can :)
I don't know if you are looking for criticism here but I need to give my 2 cents.
- First line: Winter doesn't need 'the' before it.
-Undressed my nights would be better 'undressing' my night. You're describing something continueing if that makes any sense.
'with tears I found 'neath
my Autumn blanket;
tears I found in my cup
this morning, and tears'
I love the play on words here, though it may not be evident to some but I could visualize it and I like it. Also loved the insertion of cup. I would just say the same comment on the next stanza so won't copy it.
- 'I looked in the mirror
to see my scars are fading.'
No need to put 'are' in here. It is an image.
The 'only' between brackets didn't seem necessary and if you insist on putting it, I suggest you drop those brackets as they don't really add to the flow or anything.
Now, put criticism, grammar and rules aside, I am really upset that you have a writers block, I'm not sure if it is that way but when I cannot write I call it a block haha. I am happy that you didn't delete your account here though, you can always come back! I just can't stand watching you (or rather reading you) sad, and if I could help in anything, I would. But it's inspiration and it is all up to you. :)
Hope to read much more from you soon.
6 years ago
In my opinion, this one is one of your best.
I have a vague idea of what winter stands in this piece, but I won't there. This piece is nostalgic and it brought me back to some memories I have held. I'm sorry for you lost, Also that you are not into coffee anymore, I guess if you don't drink it, then you will be able to sleep and wake up, instead of dreaming.
I know dreaming can bring sad memories and makes us cry but sometimes we just have to let it all out. I'm glad you are writing again, and I hope to continue reading some of your pieces.
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate each of your comments.
Noura, thank you for your suggestions
I am picky with it though, so forgive me lol.
'I miss the winter'
^ I'm not a grammar expert, but I thought the article was needed. The 'w' in winter wasn't capitalised and 'the' is added to emphasise that 'the' winter is a specific one :)
'No dreams of you
undressed my night
for me - I was alone.'
^ 'undressed' is connected with the previous (tonight) and proceeding (used to) lines. So, I thought it should be in the past tense.
"The 'only' between brackets didn't seem
necessary and if you insist on putting it, I
suggest you drop those brackets as they
don't really add to the flow or anything."
^ Ah I see. I've been fussing over that one while writing this. My purpose of 'only' enclosed in parenthesis was to perhaps emphasise hopelessness. Looking inside the cup is a metaphor for searching for hope, and 'only' suggested the persona didn't find it..
Ahh.. feel free to pm me or something if anything was wrong! Or if you want to know my purpose for writing this, since it is somewhat personal and I tried my best to make it more relatable. I know I failed in the execution though :/
^ You know, I rarely to never find dates in poems because quite a few poems are fictious while others do not refer to a specific date, but when I do see one appear I know that it has a huge effect on the writer and I know this one does for you. I think that it emphasizes how real it is, which makes your words more captivating as your feelings base on a real event.
I miss the winter
^ Noura said "the" wasn't necessary here and that is probably grammatically right, while I understand why you put it. You're refering to something/someone specific, not just any winter, but THE winter, which has an important meaning to you.
To me this write actually is one of your best, you don't only manage to fascinate me with your words, but some of them hit me, like I read it and then when I read specific parts it seems as if my heart gets squished for a moment, but I like that.
Edit: Oops just saw now that you had explained the "the" yourself, sorry
June 9th obviously changed your life, I'm unsure of what it is, but I do assume that you have lost someone very dear to you. I'm very sorry for your loss.
"I miss the winter"
^I love that you put "the" instead of I love winter, it has so much more meaning behind it. Exactly what Jenni said... you aren't talking about just one winter, but a specific winter that you hold dear to your heart.
"and for the first time
tonight, I slept.
No dreams of you
undressed my night
for me - I was alone."
The "No dreams of you undressed my night" is amazing. I feel sadness though because you are alone. :( It's kind of bittersweet, being able to sleep peacefully with no dreams, yet you are alone.
Your metaphors are amazing, as always. I don't think you could ever write a bad piece.
I hope your heart begins to heal... it will be a long process but eventually it will be easier to deal. It will never be normal again, however you will be able to cherish the memories instead of dwelling on them. They will make you smile instead of cry.
All of us Kite Runners miss you and you can come home anytime! :)
Xanthe, the emotions in this poem I felt reading each word. I love winter, I do but there's this certain sadness that accompanies winter that is breathable in the air.
Now what I can gather from this poem is that someone you cherished is not with you anymore. I assume you are talking about your friend that passed away (I am sorry for this), though throughout the poem you don't really talk about death itself so I think a lot of people would be able to relate to this poem, even if they don't know someone close to them who has passed away, if they've experienced any loss, even if it's a loss of love they would be able to relate. I love that about this piece.
An awesome write Xanthe but of course the sadness within breaks my heart.