Comments : Elixir

  • 5 years ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    The sun has been residing
    within my mind this season
    this stanza to me is very positive
    I see happiness and a clear mind

    days are growing older
    nights don't seem to end

    this reminds me of me, being depressed
    living iin the dark, that is why the nights
    seem forever

    as I watched you
    carry a bottle of what seemed
    like some witch's potion, bubbling inside

    This stanza did it to me
    it is an eye opener, certain things are
    just not cureable

    awesome write

  • 5 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    You have 2 new poems and I promise I'll read and comment right away but... I am too happy to relate, sorry! :P Really awesome writes. Will be here again soon.

  • 5 years ago

    by Khalid

    Very expressive piece of sorrowful poems. You're brilliant Xanthe. I enjoyed the flow. Oh your name reminded me when I was trying to write an alphabet poem searching for words that start with 'X' and OMG this was so difficult lol. Thank you.

  • 5 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    "The sun has been residing
    within my mind this season.
    Days are growing colder,
    nights don't seem to end."
    ^A wonderful start, it gives a feeling of melancholy. That depression just keeps seeping in taking away the sunshine.

    "You look at me with the
    same smile; I see coffee
    seething within your eyes,
    trying to bring comfort."
    ^I really love the line coffee seething within your eyes. I hate the taste of coffee yet I love the smell...and the smell always brings comfort to me.

    "But it seems change has taken
    over where your eyes used to be."
    ^You've noticed the change in that person, that something dark maybe has overcome them? You no longer feel like you know this person.

    "I tried to find repose underneath
    chartreuse blankets you covered
    me with; reclining deeper into
    cushions, thinking I'd be safer
    and farther that way, as I watched
    you carry a bottle of what seemed
    like some witch's potion bubbling

    inside."
    ^No matter how deep you sunk trying to feel comfortable around them, you couldn't. You could see what they were about to do, who they truly were...and you couldn't do nothing about it.

    "For the first time, I realize
    I'm begging for sleep to come-
    if only to escape from this dream."
    ^You realize that you would rather be dead than keep dealing with the reality of sadness.

    "(I never asked you to cure me.)"
    ^This line done it for me, I love it! A great ending to a wonderful piece!

    I doubt I interpreted any of this right, I feel like I hardly ever do lol. This is a fantastic write, Xanthe. I'm always excited to read your work. :)

  • 5 years ago

    by L

    For the first time, I realize
    I'm begging for sleep to come-
    if only to escape from this dream.

    This stanza did it for me.. I thought it was written for me lol.. this reminded of inception a dream within a dream and towards the end not knowing if it is a dream or not. :-s

  • 5 years ago

    by Wild flower

    Its really an amazing piece, the way you wrote was awesome, great job:)

  • 5 years ago

    by Decayed

    Way to go, Xanthe.

    You always nail it, and I always like your writes :)

  • 5 years ago

    by Meme

    Yaaaa, I loved this one and I think this is the one I voted for in the challenge.

    Amazing piece.

  • 5 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    The sun has been residing
    within my mind this season.
    Days are growing colder,
    nights don't seem to end.

    - great opening because you drew me in with the fact I could relate to the emotion you have set. such loneliness and a depression and it makes me want to know why. Also you have opened in a very fast flow which is easy to read and makes you flow quickly to the following stanza.

    You look at me with the
    same smile; I see coffee
    seething within your eyes,
    trying to bring comfort.

    - again you have kept the flow. You can clearly picture the look you are describing from this other person and you begin to wonder about what the relationship between you both is.

    But it seems change has taken
    over where your eyes used to be.

    - I have never heard these lines before and I think it is something so many of us could say about someone else.

    I tried to find repose underneath
    chartreuse blankets you covered
    me with; reclining deeper into
    cushions, thinking I'd be safer
    and farther that way, as I watched
    you carry a bottle of what seemed
    like some witch's potion bubbling

    inside.

    - oh, this makes it very interesting by adding the potion in. Very good choice. I would suggest you change the word 'carry' to carried because you have wrote this scene in the past tense and not the present.

    For the first time, I realize
    I'm begging for sleep to come-
    if only to escape from this dream.

    - such a desperate feeling of which I am sure many can relate to. Good strong way to close the poem.

    (I never asked you to cure me.)

    - Loved this extra line added onto the end, brings such a powerful effect to end the poem with and I think this will be the line that sticks with me.

    Great work.

  • 5 years ago

    by Jhierren Paz

    Cool! ;D

  • 5 years ago

    by Lioness

    I absolutely love this! The first stanza was my fav. I love the idea that darkness has taken over that you never get to see the light.

    Awesome peom!

    x

  • 5 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    Xanthe,

    I love the whole concept of this, I love how you always take a challenge and make it morph into something pure and raw. I have to admit that I can't do this. I always write silly, pointless poery when I'm challenged.
    -.- Seriously, share some talent.
    That being said, I have some criticism here and there. Only because I think this is a brilliant piece.

    The sun has been residing
    within my mind this season.
    Days are growing colder,
    nights don't seem to end.

    'You look at me with the
    same smile; I see coffee
    seething within your eyes,
    trying to bring comfort.'
    ^I love what you have here. Simple wording, deep image and a simile in-between. Creative but the wrong use of punctuation and pronouns just blew me off.
    Check out this edited one:
    'You look at me with the
    same smile - coffee
    seething within your eyes
    for comfort.'
    I feel you could avoid some fillers this way and it flows much better. What think ye?
    I love the word 'coffee', the sound of it is damn sexy. Haha.

    'I tried to find repose underneath
    chartreuse blankets you covered
    me with; reclining deeper into
    cushions, thinking I'd be safer
    and farther that way, as I watched
    you carry a bottle of what seemed
    like some witch's potion bubbling

    inside.'

    My fav here.
    But punctuation is my pet peeve and it's killing me. Ah. Too many commas and I stopped every moment I feel.
    I would drop the 'you coevered me with'. I'm sorry if this poem is personal to you and I'm chopping it to stanzas and criticize it. Just tell me and I'll edit my comment. :)
    I love the use of bottles. You've been using this word so much recently. Everytime in a different way and to serve a different meaning. I love you.
    And the witch potion bubbling is creepy, eerie and original.

    You keep writing, cutie pie. :)

    • 5 years ago

      by Xanthe

      Aha, thank you Noura. No this is not a personal poem, just wrote it about ten minutes or less actually. I appreciate your critiques. I'll edit right away.
      Thanks Poetess :)