Letter to Myself

Live life to the fullest, that's what I always say but do I mean what I say knowing is not a fair game?

I don't feel like me anymore.
I'm always thinking about a past with no ending when there is a future to take care of.

Life has let me down so bad that I was stuck for a while but I found a way out and that's the beauty about it.
Life with no meaning is not worth living.

I miss my son and the family I meant to have but something told me that it wasn't my time yet.
I want that life but I'm not doing anything else about it.
I have learned that wanting something is not enough without any action involved.

We could want all we want but without motivation, there is no emotion.

I wish I was stronger than this because I hate feeling miserable.

But I need to let that girl inside come out to show the world that she is a wonderful being just like her daddy.

I miss my old life with my old friends because I have never felt so alive in my life.
I'm letting one mistake take advantage of me and that is no fun at all.

Someone said today that my past will always hurt me but taking it one day at a time won't hurt so much.

I feel like the more I lead my Center the more I make it a part of me to my new self.
I want to be engaged and learn now to stick up for myself when needed.
I don't like when people think that they have the right to walk all over me when they think they have power.
I noticed that I'm letting HER get to me because she has what I always wanted with him and that's what really bothers me.

Sometimes I feel like if I keep it inside, I let that drown me and I won't be alive like she is deeply killing me inside.

I don't know what type of love I have for him and if I will ever be cured and move on from it.

He was all I had and now he is gone for life and I haven't accepted that.

I have to learn to live with that and I don't want to.
But I have to finally move on.

I have to move on from the past I used to have because I deserve a better future.
I deserve better and that's that and if I have to write it down then I'll take this whole bus ride to do so.
I don't care anymore what people think about me and I will never let that affect me, and I need to understand that.
I will not let people get to me.
I'm drowning right now and I would not let that happen.
I'm saving myself from myself.
I am my worst own enemy and once I come with peace with myself I can make peace with other people.
I need to forgive myself for what happened.

It happened.
It's done and over with and I had time to cure it.

My emptiness is slowly coming together to becoming whole again and I need to accept that.

Being me is my reality of survival.

If it was important enough to be written down then it's important enough for me and I understand that right now.

I need to come in contact and have peace with myself because it will be the only way I move on from my misery.

Accept change is what I believe in and it is part of who I want to become.

Now I am calm and I can think straight again

I am unique because nobody will ever go through my personal experience in the order that it happened.

That is unique and that's what I get for being me so if he wasn't willing to accept that then he is not willing to forget that.

You reached into his heart and you get a second chance to start over.

And not that many people get that.

Dear Diary, this is my story today and I am proud to understand that.

Ps. I wrote this sometime last year and found it before my son's 5th Anniversary.
Miss you Angel.
Rest In Peace. August 20, 2007