This is a really interesting piece. I like the word choice and feel as well as the style and emotions. Great write.
P.s will leave netter comment when i can get to my laptop
4 years ago
by Tara Kay
Amreen, this piece was really deserving of the club win, so first off, congrats to you.
The independence to think, speak, write and be heard is a powerful choice and route you took...
That we can change with words, we can open eyes and be understood and acknowledged for our opinions and choices.
I myself, while I thought this piece was unique and interesting, it also felt repetitive, and to me, it took away the importance. The overuse of pen, paper and words, while it got the idea across it felt too much bit just my opinion.
4 years ago
I actually like this one. I read it in your blog and the change in font enhanced it. As far as the overused of pen, paper, and words, well I don't find it repetitive may be is because I'm used to repetition. However, when I read a poem and I get dizzy after reading it, I know the repetition is not well done. As far as this one, I have read it several times and I don't get dizzy. Another thing, this poem comes off as thoughts and I didn't feel like it was speaking directly to me as the reader that's where at least to me the importance of the message gets lost; well rather than the message getting lost, I mean it doesn't come as striking. Though I see potential in this poem. I could "see" the writer/poet and his/her hand in a war whether to write or not to write certain topics but regardless of whatever it is the pen engages in a battle along with the mind. There's just so much in ours minds that it's hard to organize our thoughts and arrange them in a way that it will be clear and not easy to be misunderstood and that's a challenge that a writer experiences.
I would like to highlight the second stanza:
Yet the words never plan to surrender
just like the former imprisoned India,
and get buried under the pride of the pen;
which boasts to have carved sapphire stories;
yet forgets a vintage truth-
the wisdom of a pen is spined by an array of radiant words.
In this whole stanza, I understood that the words don't want to give up, they want to be heard but they get buried by the pen in blots of ink, or that whatever comes out from the pen are "sapphire stories." I don't know why the use of sapphire, as sapphire at least to me symbolizes kindness and faithfulness, but when I read it in your poem it tells me your are using it to express something else. I guess you are using it express power? and greed? Beauty? and your thoughts perhaps are that wisdom is given with words of enlightenment rather than too much self pride or aesthetic words?
It's hard to explain everything on the mind but that's pretty much what I interpreted on the second stanza. And the message that I got from the overall poem is pretty much what Tara mentioned, but also that often times we have to detach from just wanting to show beautiful words in terms of words that initially hint to beauty but rather give words that have meaning... hmm not sure how to explain.
Well, Repetition of words were required to enhance on the importance of each element in the poem and their distinct roles in the piece.
The second verse portrays that the pen is filled with pride who has written sapphire( Wise/ Bright/ Best) poems and so it doesnt allow to pen words which hold no meaning for it. And so it shows the struggle of words wanting to speak out every little meaning they possess to break the prisons of Writers Block.
Beautiful. I love how you've linked the war between the thoughts of your mind and how you cannot seem to express them onto paper with the real life scenario - "just like the former imprisoned India" - Personally it was this factor that really made me want to read over the poem a few more times and try truly understand what you're getting at. These words are trapped in your mind, "held captive"...such a beautiful way of describing a block that most writers face at some point!
There's nothing I could say to try and help you improve this, I think its written perfectly so well done! The final line is so strong that it makes the entire poem stand out in my head. I really enjoyed this piece! Well done (:
Your word use was ideal for this piece, also. You have a real talent for describing things in a way which really makes your point stand out. - "sapphire stories" & "vintage truths". Wonderful! I love the image of the mind overpowering the pen and forcing its way across the paper, mind over matter and all that jazz haha!
I really like the opening line of "My hands feel the war." That was different from saying at war or in the middle of war, because the sense of touch is emphasized quite powerfully here.
It could just be me but "inks out a blot" seemed a bit awkwardly worded, mostly because I don't hear the "out a blot", simply "blot out".
I like how you almost finalize that first stanza in ending, like the pen has finally taken control and reigned over that piece of blank paper. The only trouble I had reading was with the line of "the words turn captive".... I love the abstract kind of idea of words being held prisoner, very provoking, but I don't feel like "turn" is the best word for that since usually I hear "held" or "taken". Your word choice there didn't seem as smooth as it could be but that's just my opinion. However, good use still of personification there and throughout this poem.
I read your reply in these comments and the significance of "sapphire stories"- great thought in that, especially addressing the pride of the pen in resisting and fighting back against that silence, not knowing what to express. Also, you bring about truth with I loved! If you only embellish words and don't strip them of that dress, then what are they? The pen wants to be honest and have that courage to allow words to speak only truth, nothing else.
I also like you brought more sentiment into it with mentioning the "former imprisoned India"- that comparison of wanting to not surrender like her was strong and well-done, almost making it more personal for you culturally if this is where you are from.
I don't think I've ever heard "spined" used as a past tense of the verb; I like your creativity with that and I think you used it well in highlighting how the pen never goes without that luminance of words. They are side by side.
"And the words determine
to spread across the confines of the page"
- Should "determine" be "are determined". Read again, I was a bit thrown off by "determine to spread", it didn't make sense to me.
- Not sure what you meant by this, I mean I get the value and worth that they hold when you mention worth further in the line, but I thought you put too many words together here. You could still mention the essence of a dime, the value of a single dime, but elaborate a bit more.
"The mind hence unbottles the wrinkled thoughts
which forces the pen to scribble on the untouched canvas.......
And a revolution dawns."
- I have to say out of the whole poem, this were some of my favorite and the most memorable lines. I don't think you need the "hence", it breaks the flow a bit in my mind....but I adore the idea of "wrinkled thoughts"- just the strange image of that is intriguing as well as the "untouched canvas" waiting for its fate in a sense.
Beautiful ending that really shows the strength you emit from the very first lines of the impact words have on the mind, and how writing can truly change, influence thought.
This is another great poem, you've a way with expressing your words that I find to be simply amazing. There are times we all experience when we want to say something or write down our feelings, but something won't allow us to communicate whats going on inside of us.
The thoughts are there because we are experiencing them, but like you stated they are imprison by some unexplainable force; however, this can be truly fustrating because we can't express our deepest thoughts. I love your poems and this poem is just another reason why, this is such a well crafted piece.
4 years ago
There so so many lines here I absolutely fell it love with!
"the wisdom of a pen is spined by an array of radiant words."
This is beautiful. I love your use of "spined" here.. and radiant. You typically see radiant with bright words like sunshine or something in nature, but not radiant words.. what a great way to describe it.
Your opening "my hands feel the war", instantly had me interested in this piece. The beginning of poems can be so difficult to really grasp readers attention, but you did so VERY well here.
I also like your slight rhyme of thoughts/blots in the beginning. Probably not intentional, but it helped with the flow where otherwise it may have faultered a tad with those two lines ( due to differences in length/length of words), but that helped it really hold together.
I feel like I haven't really read much of your poetry but I'm going to change that. This had a great message and done in a great, poetic way. Love it!
I like how the main character of this poem is a completely foreign object - partway through the poem it almost seems as if there is now you, there is simply your thoughts as they are perceived and scribed by the pen.
as your slightly more recent poem, this work is devoid of the usual teen angst and i found the whole read supremely enjoyable and refreshing. the flow of the poem was very good, the slant, in-line rhymes were a fantastic touch as well, and really made reading through the poem smoother. good job on this piece.