I like this. It's dark and sharp and sexy in a kind-of-destructive way.
This is bold, but I would say you almost don't need the second stanza at all. I know you're setting up a comparison, which is a sensible stylistic choice (and probably something I would do as well), but since the poem is so short, it almost reads too soft and pretty. It's tough, though, because I think you're purposefully setting up and then destructing the cliche, but I think the poem is just as effective without it.
Well..I gave you 5 stars because it's a good poem and also the synchronicity to the dream sequence in an ongoing matrix fan fiction I'm working on and have been posting on facebook. Hope you read the pm I sent you and give me an opinion on mine.
Jane has a gift of excellence when she writes short poems. Each time I read this I came to a different scenario in my head and it left me teary eyed, because it allowed me to wonder off in my own past memories. When a short poem can do that, then it's off the charts in my mind! Well done!!!
When a short poem is written, using a small tittle adds the perfect touch to the poem and "Red" is explosive!! Really enjoyed this piece!