A Birth Mother's Pain
Ten months have come and gone since my sweet baby came to be
Time enough, you'd think, for me to move on and be free.
But the pain of all I went through sits within me like a weight
And I cry and I am angry, and sometimes I even hate.
I cannot stop reliving it, the fear and all the pain
When I try to talk about it, I get looks like I'm insane.
But the books teach birthing, to let nature take its course
To just let the mother birth her child....there is no need to force.
Books written twenty years ago with proof that less is more
And still we give birth blindly, never knowing what's in store.
I checked in so excited, the picture of good health
And I walked out cut and broken, a shadow of my former self.
They put an IV in my arm, they said it was the rules
And though it hurt, I let them, just like a passive fool.
Next they stuck their fingers in me "to see just where you are"
Then they pumped me full of drugs because "you're really not that far."
They dressed me in uncomfortable clothes, they said I couldn't leave
Then they ripped apart my birth plan and all that I believed.
When the drug-induced contractions came, the pain was just too much
Next came the epidural, then I was numb to any touch.
Each time they touched my body, they took part of my dream
And they never even blinked, as cruel as that may seem.
They made me push for hours, but didn't feed me for two days
And when she didn't come, they tried to pull her out their way.
But I was so exhausted that I couldn't lift my head
I no longer cared who saw me lying there with my legs spread.
Before I could say "yes" or "no" they said that it was time
And I knew that this experience was never really mine.
I couldn't keep from shaking as they wheeled me in the room
And they talked of their vacations as they pulled her from my womb.
I only got a glance before they took my child away
And I won't forget that emptiness until my dying day.
It was many hours later when they wheeled him to my bed
But where had they been keeping him? What had he been fed?
After days of being jabbed at, bullied, and kept up all night
I needed to escape, and if I had to, I would fight.
But then the two strangers arrived to meet my only son
Beaming widely as they held him, proud of what theyve won
Pestering me and never leaving my side
And announced his new name with pride
They stole my fleeting moments away to say goodbye
When I needed the space to breakdown and cry
Three days is much too short to spend with your only child
But rules are rules the lawyer reminded me with a smile
He was torn from my arms along with part of my heart
Leaving the remnants in pieces, torn apart
I went home in a stupor, couldn't even stand up straight
I simply couldn't understand how this could be my fate.
After weeks of sadness and regret and pain I couldn't face
I realized that I should have made a different choice
I was left a victim through this "selfless" process, left without a voice
If only I had stood up strong for all I'd read and knew.
But there is no going back now, it's over and it's done
And they'll never know what they did wrong, so in a way, they've won.
I wanted an experience to sustain me through the years
And instead I got a nightmare that has only brought me tears.
And yes, I have a son and he's healthy and she's whole
But they took the joy that was my right and robbed me, heart and soul.
So now each time I fall asleep thinking that this is the conservatives pregnancy choice
I think of how many babies are torn away and their mothers screaming voice
I think of the the power and control that they have taken from us all
And how I fed into their opinion when I should have made a different call
Few people really understand the sacrifice that adoption is
Especially those who dont have kids
But they have no right to handle us like they do, taking away our communication
Then turn around and sing praise to birth mother's sacrifice with adoration
But no amount of crying will ease this throbbing pain
Time wont heal these open wounds and screaming is in vain
Not when nightmares of them taking future children plague my every night
And the adoring comments of a "mothers love" makes me want to fight
Sure I loved my son enough to give him a better life
But I think it was selfish intentions to "bless" those two wives
No amount of people who are "proud of me" and think my choice is "great"
Will ever ease my pain, no, I am forever going to be in this awful, dreaded state
