One Late November Day

by Mihir Deshmukh   Aug 11, 2014


It was prime time, the question did prevail,
but to utter those words, every time I failed.
But one shady afternoon, in the lanes all deserted,
the most awaited moment, delicately I presented.

And you, dancing before I could complete,
howling, stamping your feet.
And when you said yes, tears rolled down,
in this moment of ebullience, I'd like to drown.

And the sky had literally lit up,
and those little birds didn't stop to chirp.
And the breeze, cooling, from the bay,
our eyes spoke everything, nothing we had to say.

You had to go, but didn't want to leave,
I dropped you home, with a little grief.
you were gone, dancing and gay,
thus ending, one late November day.

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  • 2 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Really well written - excellent

  • 3 years ago

    by Masked metaphor

    It was prime time, the question did prevail,
    but to utter those words, every time I failed.
    But one shady afternoon, in the lanes all deserted,
    the most awaited moment, delicately I presented.
    ^^
    I really like the way you expressed the difficulty to find words and how they fail I can personally relate to this and believe you have written this aspect of life well. I then like how you added a touch of hope as there was a time that the words worked well for you. Life is definitely full of surprises and opportunities always present themselves when least expected.

    And you, dancing before I could complete,
    howling, stamping your feet.
    And when you said yes, tears rolled down,
    in this moment of ebullience, I'd like to drown.
    ^^
    I love the situation you have created with your words, I can see it unfold with your word choice and descriptions.

    And the sky had literally lit up,
    and those little birds didn't stop to chirp.
    And the breeze, cooling, from the bay,
    our eyes spoke everything, nothing we had to say.
    ^^
    I love the way you had a link between your experiences and nature, I find this style of writing very effective!
    I like the scenery you have painted with your descriptions it allows the reader to enter the realm of your photographic memory seeing the image in the likelihood you conveyed it.

    You had to go, but didn't want to leave,
    I dropped you home, with a little grief.
    you were gone, dancing and gay,
    thus ending, one late November day.
    ^^
    I believe you ended this on a nice note, although this lovely experience had to end, you were both happy and you linked the day well!

    Overall I loved the flow of this poem, very smooth and rhythmic, it suited well with the tone and mood you were expressing and was very relevant!

    Well written!

    5/5 from me

    • 3 years ago

      by Mihir Deshmukh

      Thank you sir, for your time and for the review. I hope you keep reading my poetry and reviewing as well