Comments : Fulgerite memories

  • 4 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I absolutely love the title, and the image it gives. It's dramatic and thrilling, like you can hold a lightning bolt in your hand. I think the brevity works so well in this poem, and I like the touch of the parentheses as it seems to give the character's inner monologue. I know I've been doing that more in my poetry to separate a few lines.

    A few suggestions, up to you to take as you are the author of this piece:

    - I don't feel the ellipses (...) are needed in this poem; I feel you overuse them. Or you could at least keep them on the lines that you don't have your words in parentheses, but it loses its significance to have them before and after words in a single line. They also seem to clog the poem up, by that I mean it looks too busy upon first glance. Just my opinion.

    - Third line: "lighning" should be "lightning".

    - I'm also not sure if using the title in the opening lines of the poem is too repetitive? I go back and forth with this, sometimes it works but it's such a unique image, it almost feels overdone if you use it twice. You could still mention lightning to tie that connection with the reader, but mention how you're trying to shape it or introduce it?

    I do like the specific inclusion of the dandelions and the way this relationship means a great deal to you, how your last plea is to be held by this person, but it seems they are too far away now.

    Keep writing!

    • 4 years ago

      by earlgreytea

      Thank you for the constructive criticism. I very much agree with you. Great idea, thank you. I'm kinda embarrassed I spelled "lightning" wrong to be honest. I was in a bit of a hurry that day. XD

  • 4 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I like everything about this poem

    Dandelions are beautiful weeds, in my opinion , in all of their cycles

    Fulgurite - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fulgurite

    Wikipedia

    Fulgurites (from the Latin fulgur, meaning "thunderbolt") are a variety of the mineraloid lechatelierite. They are natural hollow glass tubes often formed during ...