"I can't help but fail.
Nothing can prepare you for
defeat's bitter taste."
Well first let me preface this with the comment that all of the poems are true to the nature of senryu's; touching on human foibles and this is probably one of the best embodiment of the senryu I've seen in a while. I do have a bit of an issue with 'defeat's bitter taste' since it is a bit cliche. Don't get me wrong, it still works, but since senryu's are limited in nature utilizing a cliche seems to be a bit lazy, perhaps 'this embarrassment' (even that sounds eh)' or something a bit more unique? Just a thought. :)
The second stanza serves as the bridge between the first and the last, and does a great job at it.
"One day, I will earn
the look of pride in your eyes:
I'll fail at failing."
The last verse is also a bit cliche, but in this case it totally works here, unifying all of the senryu's in theme here. Really enjoyed this chain senryu!
Your words move me! I used to do that with some of Emily D_ckinson's poems; I'd get lost discerning what in her life could have caused her to write some of her pieces. I definitely appreciate that you took the time to read it more than once. I actually re-read it after you wrote your comment and changed a line (once again), and I feel like I made it better. Even at one's best, one can always be better -- I think the same goes for failure! I have no doubts that your mistakes have shaped you into the unique and insightful poet that you are, and thank you for unknowingly inspiring me :)
1 year ago
by Ben Pickard
Wonderful senryu string here which isn't easy to achieve - for me, anyway!
As pessimistic as the tone is throughout the first two, I do like the optimistic ring of the third one, especially the final line "I will fail at failing" - great stuff.
The only gripe I have is the "earned" and "earn" in such close proximity to each other although I couldn't really see another option. Maybe "One day I will see the ...."
Anyway, this is a great write and one I enjoyed multiple times.
Yes, that redundancy is something that I noticed as well and lingered on my first few times counting and editing through the triplet. I was actually going to post a second copy, each with two different versions of that line, below the main one but I ended up just sucking it up and hoping the redundancy didn't ruin the poem. I will think of what I want to do, whilst also taking your suggestion into account!