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by Saul Sep 21, 2016
Dark, fantasy /
I do not mean to use a tired cliche but It is coming
Like the death beat of an eternal ancient chant slowly drumming
At first a hint of a foul smell and then a horrendous ghastly decay
Riding upon the fast and unsettling winds of a cold harvest day
You cannot hear It nor gaze directly upon Its dark faceless form
It has the power to exist outside of our reality's norm
Many of you have seen something out of the corner of your eye
Looking directly you see nothing and dismiss it as a lie
That movement, that faint blurred shadow you think you may have just caught
It's not your imagination Its exactly what you thought
It's an ancient evil force that stalked the very first documented man
Succeeding in man's corruption as It carried out the Dark Master's plan
It managed to create jealously and fill a brother's mind with strife
Recording the very first time any human has taken another man's life
Though our reality's barrier has been reinforced not allowing It to further interfere
The invisible membrane to our reality weakens and tears during this time of year
Its presence can be documented as unimaginable events have transpired throughout time
Its transgressions spoken secretly among us as we relay events of Its terrifying crimes
If this season you're targeted and catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of your eye
Then regretfully your time on earth is finished for you have been marked to mysteriously die
by Bradley Peter
I very much liked the concept of this. The tone of the piece was great. An eerie warning.
However, I think this poem could be improved greatly. I think the flow was often caught out. Tightening up those syllables I think would really help the rhythm, and strengthen your story.
I liked the story-telling aspect of it all, however, I think it was more interesting before the introduction of the friend and the picture.
Having made these suggestions, I really liked the language you used and the rhymes you employed.
'Believe me when I say that movement, that shadow you think you just caught
Is not your imagination It is exactly what you thought'
This is my favourite stanza - mainly down to the menacing chill of the second line - but at the same time, the first line I think is too long, and interferes with the enjoyment of the second.
I would love to read a revised version of this, and I hope you do go for a second draft.
P.S. Please comment and vote honestly on every piece you read.