Feeling

It's always there.
That nasty, rugged feeling that pulls me down,
Always dragging me back unwillingly,
Back to him.
It's as if I cannot even breathe,
The words are stuck and I am falling.
I just continue to fall, fall, and fall with no hope of coming up to grasp the difference between life and my dreams.
Yet you look at me and I feel as if things will be okay once more.
I see the stars, I see light, I see the emotions such as joy, wonderment, love, and happiness spring from deep within.
But then reality strikes and I feel pain, confusion, loneliness, and hurt.
The stars burn out and the light gives and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
It's a neverending cycle with myself being let down, down, down, deeper and deeper by you.
And while time passes and everyone around continues to grow and flourish, I feel stuck.
Stuck in time,
Standing in place,
Unable to continue moving forward like I know I should.
Yet I can't.
My love for you is so strong it burns to the touch.
My hatred for you doing this to me is so low, it's like a whisper in the night.
I am a mix of emotions all at once.
I am pain and contentment,
Desperation and hope.
I am ecstatic, depressed, angered, tired, and yet I am numb.
Numb to the pain even though I am dying,
Numb to the joy even though I am flying.
I am numb because I tell myself to be,
To not feel.
To not let him get to me, because nothing good will come from it if I continue to let myself be pulled into his charms like a man needing a fire to keep warm.
And although I am numb, I let myself continue to believe that one day,
One day I will not have to cling to the hands of Hope,
Yet I will be able to embrace Hope like an old friend,
Because he is there to hold,
Unlike you.