My son Liam

I got that twisted feeling
I felt that something is off
My stomach started turning
I go and test, hoping it's clean
Then those two little lines pop up
I don't know what to do
I already have two
Now I get to do it again
Those two lines mean so much
They change your course of life
I got to see you as a Peanut
I got to hear your heart beat
147 was your number
Strong and happy and free
Then came the time
I finally felt you move
There are no words to explain
The amazing feeling I felt
Your moves were so tiny
So soft and fluttery
I tried time and time again
To see you, to know you were ok
It took me getting sick
It took me being admitted
But I finally got to see you
I finally got to know
They pulled the screen closer
They turned it to my sight
There you were so fragile and small
You waved at me
At that moment I knew
You were something special
You would make a difference
Then all of a sudden
There it was
You didn't hide at all
You showed me proud and strong
I'm a boy!!!
My heart skipped a beat
You were bigger than you should be
You were healthy and strong
For weeks I played with you
You never missed a beat
You loved to kick your feet
Clocking me every time
Every time I laid down
You never missed a time
You would work your way over
And kick the crap out of me
"Mommy get up, the sun is still up!"
And didn't like for mommy to sleep
You were definitely my son
Lucky charms and chocolate milk
That's all you would let me have
You helped me get through
You gave me strength when needed
Then one day it all went wrong
I had pain like never before
To the hospital I went
They said it's ok
False labor is all
Here is a shot they said
They check your heart beat
122 was all
I told them that was not right
I told them something's wrong
They called me a liar
It's normal they said
I couldn't feel you
I tried so hard
They came back to check again
NOTHING
They bring in the ultrasound machine
It didn't take long at all
One touch is all it took
There you were
No movement... No heart beat
Motionless.... Lifeless
I couldn't believe it
I said there was no way
No way that an innocent child
Could deserve to lose his life
We were just playing that morning
This had to be a dream
There's no way that this is real
I have always been told
But never did believe
But when they laid you in my and
I had no choice but to see
You were so beautiful
So fragile and amazing
You had your daddys big head
But the rest was all me
From your long, thin, little arms and legs
To your monkey fingers and toes
As I held you in my arms
I fought with God and screamed
How could he let this happen
How could he take someone so sweet
I thought he was supposed to protect us
So where was he that night
I couldn't tell you bye
I couldn't let you go
I couldn't accept not having you
I wanted you home with me
But unfortunately I had to learn
To my house you never would be
God had a different place
A home far more perfect for you
I know now that you are ok
I know you are perfect in every way
I can look up at the sky and know
That you watch over me all days
I know I will be home with you soon
Till then I will love you from here
I love you with every beat of my heart
With every fiber of my soul
So, till I see you face to face
"I will see you later" my son
R.I.P. Liam