Jokes

Hi guys i will try to put some jokes everyday to make u laugh for a while and help u to take a break from daily stress....and if u have some good jokes please share..

Why do the farts smell so bad?
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so the deaf can enjoy them too..

Heaven is when you have both..gals and bottles of beers..
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Hell is when you discover that the bottles have holes and gals dont..

How do we know,men invented maps?
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Who else would turn an inch to a mile..

Summer advice on sharks !

How to prevent shark attacks :
1. Don't swim in the sea.
More than 99% of all shark attacks happen in large water masses, also
known as oceans. The way to establish if you're in an ocean is to
taste the water. It should taste salty.

2. Swim with fat people.
Always make sure there are fat people already in the water before you
enter. Chances are you will be able to swim faster than them and save
yourself

3. Don't go in the water without a knife.
That's to stab the nearest swimmer when you see a shark. As soon as
he/she bleeds profusely, swim as fast as you can to the shore and
claim you tried your best to save him/her. You might end up getting
an award for bravery.

4. Listen intently
All sharks have a 'theme song' - If you hear the following, swim for
your life : da-dam, da-dam, da-dam. If it sounds like this dadam,
dadam, dadam you're already gone.

5. Don't panic.
Stay calm when a shark bites you. Its over, you're gone and it
doesn't help you try and survive. The people on the shore will
appreciate it, they don't want to hear your mad yelling and
screaming, it's not nice. Please think of the children....

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.

A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."

That's soooooooooo mean!!! I'm a redneck!!!! xD

What do you call a black man who flies a plane?
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A DAMNED PILOT YOU RACIST!

What was the intentions of the wright bros when they created the plane
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they wanted a quick access away with their loots

The difference between a trained athlete and a human is
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the athlete has a fibrous spinal column

The backbone of a snail is called
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edible bone

The backbone of a snail is called
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edible bone

Once there were 50 oranges in that basket for all the students to learn with, the teacher lamented as she she shouted at the students "who took 45 out of it"
a smart but the dullest kid then raised his hands as he said "ma i saw 50 oranges on the table until u deeped 45 into ur pockets so 50-45=5 oranges remaining"
the teacher said "you are a brilliant boy jason u all should try to be like him 10 mark "
as she complained in her mind "oooooh this boy almost caught me woe to his mother 4 bringin him this way"

Once there were 50 oranges in that basket for all the students to learn with, the teacher lamented as she she shouted at the students "who took 45 out of it"
a smart but the dullest kid then raised his hands as he said "ma i saw 50 oranges on the table until u deeped 45 into ur pockets so 50-45=5 oranges remaining"
the teacher said "you are a brilliant boy jason u all should try to be like him 10 mark "
as she complained in her mind "oooooh this boy almost caught me woe to his mother 4 bringin him this way"

A cobra bit chuck norris. After 5 days of extream pain the cobra died.

I wonder if any of you can invent poetic jokes. Can you?

Roses are red and violets are blue garbage is dumped and you are too

Carrying a basket on the head
Met his favorite friend!
Asked: "What's in the basket?"
Answered: "Guess what!"
First guess: "Sugar?"
Said: "No!"
Second guess: "Tea?"
Said: "No No!"
Third guess: "Flour?"
Said: "No No No!"
"OK, I'm unable!"
"What's in the basket?"
Answered: "If you guess right I'll give you two fishes"
Guessing and guessing!!!
(happy, thought he found the right answer)
Oh yeah! I got it! I got it!
Asked: "What?"
Final guess: "SEA!"

A man and his giraffe walk into a bar. They sit down and have a few drinks and before long the giraffe passes out on the counter. The man gets up and puts on his jacket to leave when the bartender said, "hey, you can't leave that lyin there." The man looks up at the bartender completely confused, "Dude that's a giraffe, not a lion."

Bahahaha! It's stupid but I love it (:

What do you call beer that hoots?

OWLcahol

What did the paddle say to the oar?

you are OARsome!

What do you call a snail on a ship.

A snailor.

*Credit to Spongebob.

Wat do u call a smiling roman wid pubic hair between his teeth?
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Gladiator!
(Glad he ate her)