Kaylee
Wow! What lyrics. A very sad song.

Verse Three
Hands are shaking. I'mtoo cold.
Words that sting are getting old.
Back and forth, our chime does move.
Either way we both shall lose.
You stare from where I now lay
Trapped inside our world's decay
Breathing fast, not fast enough
Building out becomes too tough

This stanza really stood out to me. Slinging hurtful words back and forth. Sometimes words said hurt more then anything else. They are so hard to take back.
Great job!
Love Cindy

Whoa those were some deep lyrics. I, no joke, got goosebumps from this. You spoke the words of your heart so flawlessly and I could imagine everything you said so clearly. The title really captured my eye so I was curious to read and boy am I glad I did.

The flow in this was flawless. I could actually imagine this being sung ... while reading this I added my own melody which made it even more interesting for me to read.

You choose each word with such thought and detail that I could feel the hurt you felt when writing this. I have learned the best way to deal with any pain is to release either verbally to a loved one or through a flawless piece such as this.

Verse three has to be my fave by far because you truly captured me with your words. "Hands are shaking. I'm too cold" I felt the coldness you described. I am not sure why this poem effected me so deeply being that I am not in a sad mood. Usually I read sad pieces when I am sad and love pieces when I am happy but in this case the emotions were so strong .. I felt them even though I wasn't before [Okay I hope that made sense]

Overall a wonderful piece my dear. Take care and keep your head up.

Well done *5/5*

~Bravo~ ~Clapping~ Kaylee this is so awesome. I absolutely love it....deep and hauntingly beautiful....very melodic...perfect lyrical flow and rhyme......hope you plan to put it to music....

The whole theme...the metaphors of time/buildings/rubble....perfect...

"Hands are shaking. I'm too cold.
Words that sting are getting old.
Back and forth, our chime does move.
Either way we both shall lose.
You stare from where I now lay
Trapped inside our world's decay
Breathing fast, not fast enough
Building out becomes too tough"

^breakups are hard...some of the best verses and poetry come from the anguish of a poet's soul....hope you soon feel whole again.....take care, Debbie

Kaylee,

Your words are so sad...The song would be a hit if it were released, I think. It's beautiful and yes, I think he should read it:)

Hugs,

Ingrid

Thats fanbtastic, great talent here keep it up x

Wow, this is really great song. I really love the first verse. It is deep and I really love the rhyme scheme!!! What a wonderful job!!!

What a beautifully penned sad love song....I would definetly share it with Chris. It is deep and meaningful. I'd love to hear it to music. Excellent job!

You always seem to choose the perfect words for whatever you're writing, and thi piece was no exception. Pretty much every word I read sent chills down my spine. I love how you're able to make the reader feel like they're actually a part of what happens.

Even though I couldn't hear it sung, I got some kind of rhythm from it. Usually, lyrics don't have a rhythm unless you hear them sung. So props for being able to do that! It made it much more enjoyable for the reader.

To be truthful, I'm really not exactly sure what it's about. Maybe, about lovers? I'm re-reading it, and I'm getting that [maybe] it's about lovers falling apart, but they don't want to fall apart. Maybe, they're being forced apart? It's would be really awsome if you could tell me what it's about, because it will bug me all day. >.>

Hands are shaking. I'mtoo cold.

^^ Just a little typo. "I'm" and "too" need a space. :]

Great job, because even though I don't know what it's about, It still sent chills through me, and I still enjoyed reading it. That's a hard thing to do.

Keep writing!
Cayce

Kaylee,
I too know where you are coming from in this write. It is very deep and explains so much. I agree with the above about lyrics usually can't be imagined, but I did with these and you have done a wonderful job with that. You are so incredibly talented and I am always in awe of your writes.

Very well written piece, the emotions you were portrayed convincingly and were evident throughout the entire piece. The flow was sustained pretty consistently from start to finish, other than a few lines where it seemed like it could do with a syllable or two less, despite the loose rhyme scheme. I loved the repetition used at the end of the verse three to give that extra umph to the image of your struggle.
The lines that stood out most to me were in verse 2:
"Take my heart. Match it beat for beat.
Let me faint into the darkness of night.
Let our footprints wash away in time."

The imagery here is exquisite and each line hit's with a different emotion making it absolutely intriguing. Well done!
-Alex

In regards to the questions you left in my poem:

Actually, Donnie Darko has been my favorite movie since I was 15 lol. In regards to the end, it all depends on what theme you take away from the poem. From my feedback on other sites: some people relate it to sibling abuse at a young age, some people take it as abuse from a significant other, and some as some deep evil entity in the mind. I didn't write the poem with the intention to match any particular one of these themes. I wrote it so that my reader would be able to interpret how he/she chooses to interpret. The poem is written is written from the first person point of view, but it isn't a first person poem in reality. It's not personal, just a message and a theme I wanted to display. The laughter is most feasibly taken away as the consummation of the narrators mind but it would be in respect to whichever theme you took away.

Quick question. The title is In-Between with the dash but the rest of the poem doesn't have the dash. Also it doesn't need a dash. Okay now to the poem/song (all songs are poems).

I really enjoyed it. My favorite line would have to be reaching for foundation crumbled. I just picture someone holding on to the edge of a hole and each part of land their fingers are touching keeps crumbling making it harder and harder for that person to hold on. It was a great poem, good word usage, and nice metaphors. Five.

"Let me fall into the pieces of the hurt"
Mmm.
Must be honest, I hate that line.
It seems like you were trying too hard to rhyme
and there's not even a rhyme at all.
And it barely makes sense. =/.

"[I fall...I will fall...I will...I will fall.]"
I like this line, however. I like the emphasis of paratheses in poems and hesitation. Adds more to the poem.

"Hands are shaking. I'm too cold."
I don't know why, but I liked that line too. It just stuck out to me.

Hm.
I like this, and I didn't.
I could feel emotion, but not strong enough. I liked the rhyme scheme, and it seemed to flow pretty nicely.
And if this was written for someone, I would show them if <you> want to. It's your decision, no one else's.

:].

xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5

The chorus is absolutely amazing. I could see a tender hand reaching out yet pulling back in fear.

I had to read the poem several times because of the intensity that I felt. It was as though your words consumed me.

The brackets through me off a bit and honestly I still do not understand them; however, the images that danced through my mind as I read the song speak volume.

Well written.

~~Sher

Very very interesting song. I enjoyed very much in it's remarkable atmosphere. I personally think that it could be even more powerful if you use some unique metaphors, but it is still easy to see that you wrote this lines straight from the heart, which is great. Opening stanza is excellent, it is truly captivating and whole poem kept my attention too. I like the title. You added very effective tone to the rhythm of whole piece with lines:
--[I fall...I will fall...I will...I will fall]--
and
--[And you stare from where I lay]--
Overall I think that you did excellent and creative job. And emotions are very overwhelming which I personally also consider amazing.

You did are really excellent job, this poem was written very well. Keep it up 5/5

(Im not a fan of commenting lyrics but I will try my hardest)

The hardest part about critiquing lyrics is that you haven't a perfect idea of how the person would sing or space our certain lines or phrases before reading the next part in line.

Chorus
In between the world beneath us
Hands that hold refuse to catch us
Reaching for foundation crumbled
Out of time, I'm breaking rubble
[And you stare from where I lay]

in poetry you probably couldn't get away with the us/us rhyme, but singing it out loud it seems that it works quite elegantly. The wording was superb, such a diversity of phrases/words that aren't used in everyday poetry, but yet they are simple enough for the common man/woman to understand.

The only true part that threw me off whilst I was reading was the fact that the puncuation didnt quite set a rhythm. In my personal opinion I believe that lyrics should have a comma when needed, it seemed like half the sentences would run on for a little bit and it would be up to my discretion on when to pause so that the flow wasn't disrupted. There are a few exceptions (VERSE 2 & 3)

In verse 2 there is repeated sentences back to back, which just makes it seem like it would have a longer pause for a more dramatic effect in the song. But that is only assumed.

In verse 3
It starts off almost exactly like verse 2, but then the end half seems to relate (style wise) to the first verse.

All in all it is an amazing peice of work. Throw a beat to it and record this and I will be the first to download it and listen to =).

Thank you for the critique on my poetry. Hope these lyrics are perfected soon, (as if it needs much work. Great Job)

-Bryce

Well, I can't really comment on the flow because it's meant to be a song, and when sung it may sound better. There weren't many parts of it where I thought it was a tad bit off, but there was one or two - but when I read it aloud the second time it did sound better, so maybe sung it's just fine.

There was a beat to it, though. And, I absolutely love that. When you read lyrics and there is a beat to it, it kind of gives you an idea of it.

The words themself were amazing, especially the chorus, which I absolutely loved. (: And, it seemed to have great emotion to it, along with the feeling that you put a lot into it.

keep it up, dear.

This was amazing!
I read it all the time.
I like this part best:

Hands are shaking. I'm too cold.
Words that sting are getting old.
Back and forth, our chime does move.
Either way we both shall lose.
You stare from where I now lay
Trapped inside our world's decay
Breathing fast, not fast enough
Building out becomes too tough

That Christopher really should read it! =)

It was deep,full of emotions ,
I don't think I will hear something like that in a while =)

Keep up ur Good work1 ^^

Now this, These lyrics I found to be alot better then the last. I actually adore these lyrics as I felt the emotion to be much stronger and much more beautiful. You had an evanescence feel to this. Definitly what I was to see. Your chorus was amazing. Each verse came together nicely. I just really enjoyed this piece. You grabbed my attention with your amazing flow and nice vocab.

--[I fall...I will fall...I will...I will fall]--

and

--[And you stare from where I lay]--

Loved the effect you portrayed here from these lines.

Overall amazing. Well done. ~Mel