A Five Month Lie.

A Five Month Lie.
By: Paula .C.

Have you ever stood outside in a blizzard with no coat, gloves, or boots?
I feel as if I am standing out in the storm with nothing but a shirt and shorts covering the cut up and bruised skin of my body.
No socks, No sweater, No shoes, I'm naked to the cold, placid as it weaves it's icy touch around my already compressed heart,
frozen as I allow it to encase me completely without a fight...
I'm Numb.
You gave me false promises, allowed me to hope, you lied to me not wanting to hurt me,
You wanted to keep me happy, not let me fall to sadness radiating from my fear...
But what is happiness if it's fake?
If it's but and illusion created by your secrets?
You gave me a synthetic happiness that vanished when you revealed yourself...
What if you had never lied?
There would have been no false hope, I would have had to except that you could not resist, that she was to big of a temptation.
Perhaps I would have succeed. maybe I would be truly happy today...
Instead of fighting this inner battle, working desperately to shut up the tearing emotions within, holding back the flood of tear's painfully welling in my eyes...
Laughing for real, like all those times I thought I was... or smiling, not painting a fake one about my lips. But actually, without trying, experiencing these
forms of happiness.
But that's not the way it goes, I'm forced to fight, bottle my emotions, hold back the tears, all while fear of my next fall clutches at my mind.
The Immensity of the storm will take it's toll, like they all do. But what if this time is different? what if I'm too weak to pull myself back together...
Will I remain the mess I'm sure to be, or will you put me back together like you have so many times before?
Will you put me back together just so I can fall again?
Already you have said you might look in the spring...
Spring, only weeks away, my favorite season, and yet it is the one I dread...
You have resisted her so far, second semester, what was to be our new beginning saying it was our time, so far it has been.. but spring, the warm weather wear we
girls pull out our skirts is upon us... already you have apologized for if you do look.
Are her legs so great to you, such a big temptation you can resist if their covered but you can't if there not? Is she so perfect, so pleasurable you can continuously
hurt me for a few looks?
Am I so ugly and unsatisfying?
Am I an embarrassment a painful sight to your eyes?
Am I not pretty enough?
Is my giving you every part of me, my love, my happiness, everything! not good enough?
I love you more than I ever thought possible to love someone, your the reason I wake up in the morning, your the smile upon my face, the twinkle in my eyes, You
are the breath that reaches into my lungs and keeps me alive.
And what am I? The hideous, overreacting, unsatisfying hag, that pushes you to look at her?
Looking in the mirror, seeing the fat and ugliness, marring my reflection, i understand why you look at her..the perfect, happiest, goddess you deem her by your actions.
I understand, what I don't understand is why you stay with me? the ill favoring mess I am to you.
Why do you claim to still love me?
Claim that I am better, despite how many times you look?
I'm not better!...I could never be better.
You should just shatter my heart completely, stomp my happiness in the dirt, you my life force, should leave me in the mud wear I belong,
For dirt is not worthy of your love... I can never be enough... but she, she will always be.
I'm grief stricken to know I will remain frozen, to know this blizzard will not pass my tiring soul, but most of all I'm sad to know I will never
feel the warmth of your love again...
I hope your happy in the future, and I hope she knows how lucky she really is.
She the person I hate most, holds the heart of the one that captured and never released my own.
This is my release
to your five month lie
no longer will I bother you
these tears are that last I will cry....

08/02/29
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I know it's long but I appreciate you taking the time to read my work. Please comment and vote for I would love to here what you think.
*Keep in mind I am not a formed or rhyme poet. I let my emotions run free...

Thanks,
--Elly.