Comments : Dark Side of the Sun

  • 11 years ago

    by Tiffany

    Very nice!!! love it.. keep up the great work!!!...

  • 11 years ago

    by noha

    Its great cayce i like it ,you got creative imagination,so deep,and nicely flow,well done 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Wow, very powerful and deep write. You choice of words were good. The flow and structure of this poem was good. I really liked the repetition of the that one line, it really made it stick out a little more.

    Your wording created great imagery for this piece, I could really visualize it.

    I am not one for dark poems usually, but I felt this was very well exicuted and well thought out.

    Excellent write, keep up the great work.

    Peace, Joe

  • 11 years ago

    by Bob

    WICKED!! ME LIKIE!!

  • 11 years ago

    by EssenceOfLace

    Alright, here are my thoughts:

    "Phantom whispers creep along walls,
    Thoughts too disturbed to please ears."

    [First two lines: I was immediately drawn into it. I love whispers creeping on walls. Creative. The second line, showed that there was going to be something rather disturbing about the poem (since "disturbed" was used lol) But the fact that the thoughts seemed too dark to hear, made it that way]

    Twilight always seems to hide these-
    Cryptic, camouflaged fears.

    [3rd & 4th lines: I don't like the hyphen. It bugs me for some reason. Maybe if you took out the hyphen and changed "these" to "the".
    Just a suggestion]

    {I will do the 5th & 10th line last since they are repeaters}

    "Silence screams secluded secrets.
    Choking on stardust that gleams."

    [6th & 7th lines: I loved the first line of this stanza. Some people say that line contradicts itself. But they have not heard true silence. Silence, can be the loudest thing you ever hear. So very creative.
    The 7th line was unique. I've never heard that line. Plus, stardust is pretty, so choking on it's gleam, well, at least it's something pretty to choke on?]

    "Lips sewed together, never to speak,
    But ears still hear those screams."

    [8th & 9th lines: Together, these two lines are perfect. It makes me think of someone who is insane. Hearing what they want to hear, even if no one is saying it.]

    "Lethal words carried up to the moon,
    The harsh sunlight will never be won.
    Darkness wraps me up in it's arms.
    Hope lies on the dark side of the sun. "

    [I am going to do the last stanza as a whole. I think it goes better that way. Imagery in the first line was amazing. Like, perfect.
    I think that "The dark side of the sun" does sort of contradict itself. But for some reason I'm okay with it. Because in a way, it's something I've never heard. It's new, and poetic (duh) sounds like a band name.]

    "Let it be a haven for things left unsaid."

    [5th & 10th lines: These were good. I like that it repeated. It gave it more of a beat. Also, those lines sort of sounded like a prayer. Odd. I like odd. Also, things that haven't been said, need some place to go! Even if it is the dark side of the sun.]

    So, there are my thoughts. Enjoy! My only suggestion, that I can remember typing, was for the first line. If that helps, YAY, if not, I still enjoyed reading this. It was incredibly dark. LOVE THAT.

    5/5

    Take care, and keep writing.
    ~Lace

  • 11 years ago

    by XxBR0K3NxX

    "LET iiT BE A HAVEN FOR THiiNGS UNSAiiD"

    ii ABSOLUTELY LOVED THiiS POEM.
    YOU HAD AMAZiiNG iiMAGERY AND ii COULD PiiCTURE WHAT WAS GOiiNG ON THROUGHOUT YOUR POEM. iiTS DEFiiNATELY ONE OF THE BEST iiVE READ SO FAR.

    KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!! 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Nix

    Wow! Amazingly written, honestly, this is so refreshing and remarkable poem. I enjoyed in each line, it is very unique and you wrote it with much power. You also managed to greatly create very vivid imagery, I like the ending line, very effective write.
    And lines:
    -Let it be a haven for things left unsaid.-
    helped you to create even more impressionable rhythm and make whole poem compact.
    Rhyming is very intense and creative. I am so glad that I read this cause it truly posses incredible energy, you are very talented and you put so much details in this piece which made it even better.
    Excellent job.

  • 11 years ago

    by Lover Boii

    I really liked it, the rhyme scheme was great.

  • 11 years ago

    by dante

    The overlying feeling of silence works beautifully and the flow is nice. keep it up

  • 11 years ago

    by shivali

    Great work

  • 11 years ago

    by A Phoenyx in Flight

    Wow i love this poem

  • 11 years ago

    by MeltInHisArms

    Wow, it gave me chills!

  • 11 years ago

    by Aureus Argentum

    That's breathtaking. That's all I'll say because I'm out of words. :) 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Niinaa

    Silence screams secluded secrets.
    Choking on stardust that gleams.
    Lips sewed together, never to speak,
    But ears still hear those screams.

    Best stanza the poem its self is a very haunting and dark poem and very well written the poem lures the reader in and it make images in our minds come to life great job 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by LuvLyLynn

    Wow, a very well written poem, i loved it..the flow, the imagery, you put it perfectly well together... especially loved the last part...

    Lethal words carried up to the moon,
    The harsh sunlight will never be won.
    Darkness wraps me up in it's arms.
    Hope lies on the dark side of the sun.

    all in all a very good poem, keep up the great work...5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    This is truly powerful dark piece, filled with amazing descriptions. I admire originality of this poem and your superb choice of words in every stanza. Also, the rhythm and flow are flawless from the beginning to the end.

    "Let it be a haven for things left unsaid."
    ^^^
    repetition of this line left great impression on me. This sounds elegant and serene and it holds deep emotions and message.

    - Phantom whispers creep along walls,
    Thoughts too disturbed to please ears.
    Twilight always seems to hide these-
    Cryptic, camouflaged fears.-
    ^^^
    I love this stanza, it pulled me straight into the poem. It's perfectly worded, but the word " creep" threw me off a bit. I just personally dislike that word. Maybe the word 'crawl' would fit this stanza better. Anyway, this is excellent beginning with remarkable dark atmosphere.

    - Silence screams secluded secrets.
    Choking on stardust that gleams.
    Lips sewed together, never to speak,
    But ears still hear those screams.-
    ^^^
    "Silence Screams"- how powerful. Amazing stanza, haunting, with eerie atmosphere. Great continuation of the poem, very descriptive. The third line is mind-blowing, it holds effective image and overwhelming helplessness which I could really feel while I was reading this.

    - Lethal words carried up to the moon,
    The harsh sunlight will never be won.
    Darkness wraps me up in it's arms.
    Hope lies on the dark side of the sun-
    ^^^
    This is my favorite stanza... it's simply flawless and every word seem perfectly picked. Also, I love the word 'lethal' lol Overall, I like how you added the title in the poem, it is effective as the ending line. The imagery within this stanza is superbly vivid.

    All in all, greatly done!
    5/5 from me

  • 11 years ago

    by TotaMariee

    Absolutly beautiful
    i so wish i could write as beautifully as you do
    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Blueleo

    Very nice.

  • 11 years ago

    by Goth marionette

    The poem is so interesting and well-written...the flow was great ..I really loved it and my fav part was
    Darkness wraps me up in its arms.
    Hope lies on the dark side of the sun.

    U got a fantastic imagination..Good job,keep it up:)..